Thursday, May 12, 2011

Change the voices in my head..make them like me instead

I sometimes feel that my biggest enemy on my journey to a new me is myself.
The voices in my head.
Saying things like:

You will never reach this goal.
Once you lose all your weight you will just gain it all back.
You are close enough, just stop and enjoy yourself.
You are a failure.

I try to ignore these voices. I turn up the music. Or workout extra hard. But sometimes no matter what I do they just don't stop.

For the last 3 years we were in the spotlight being in ministry. And I was judged. For every word I said. For how I raised my girls. For how I dressed. For the people I talked to and the people I didnt' talk to. For what I was seen shopping for in walmart. Every move I made. Judged. Since we left ministry in January I have been to church 3 times. Thats it. You could say I am bitter. The bible says we are supposed to be known for our love...but instead what the church has shown the world is how well we judge others. And boy did I experience that in the last church we were in. And I feel like I failed. The reason I was being watched was because I got a tattoo. I made soup for some friends of ours from the church and *gasp* I used beer in the recipe.....which I guess makes me a huge sinner and my husband almost got fired over. It was beer cheese soup....umm, hello the alcohol cooks out?? Duh. But anyway, I am saying all this to say is I judge myself more now then I ever did. Because I feel like I failed. I wasn't a good pastors wife. I let the whole church down. I wasn't what they wanted. So on top of the voices judging me for my weight...I now have voices constantly telling me I am not good enough. That I am a failure. I should have pretended to be something I wasn't.

How do you start to like yourself? How do you silence the voices in your head? Thats what I need to start working on....

1 comment:

  1. Ah the voices...that would be your Drazil. You should name that inner voice - give it a name and a personality and a body - so it's real and so you can tell that "person" to shut up or take a hike. Sounds crazy but it works...hence my "Drazil". We ALL have this voice - the difference is how much we choose to listen to it. And girl - if using beer in soup and having a tattoo make you evil - well then rest assured you'll have lots of us with you in Hell cuz half the country will be there with you. Geez. Those people who "threw stones" at you will meet karma one day and I bet they don't live in perfect glass houses. Their transgressions more than likely outnumber yours by the hundreds which is why they so freely judged you - because then they didn't have to look inside and judge themselves. Let their judgements go - don't give them that power anymore. You are amazing and wonderful and worthy of God's love. xoxo