Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
First off, my scale hasn't moved for 3 days. I feel like I am going to fail this, like every other diet I have tried. I know in my head what's going on. It's only been 2 weeks, I don't have any fill yet, I am not restricted, my body is still healing...blah blah blah. I want the stinking scale to move. regardless.
I'm lonely. We have lived here 8 months, and I still haven't made any friends. I work from home, so that doesn't really help in the whole friendship building thing. And at church, being a pastors wife makes it hard. I am always "busy" at the services, so I don't really have the opportunity to spend time talking to people. Plus I have to be leary of making friends with someone who is not trustworthy....I have my amazing hubby, and he is my best friend. But ya know, you need girlfriends too.
I'm homesick. Not really for my family, because I am not close to them. But I do miss Randy's family. My girls miss his mom alot. and so do I. And I miss my best friend in IL. We talk every day by phone texting....but it's just not the same. I also miss people from my church there also...Randy wasn't yet a pastor when we lived there, so we had alot of friends in the church, plus the company I work for is there, so I worked in that office for 4 years building relationships.
I am just having a rough day. I really just wanna curl up in a blanket and go to sleep, and hopefully wake up in a better mood. I think part of this depression is it's been snowing here all day for 2 days...and while I love snow, it's really dark and dreary out.... so sorry if this is a depressing post...I just really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Confession #1. I got the "all clear" to start exercising on Monday. today is Wednesday....and have I exercised yet? NO! I am so mad at myself. I have my work out clothes out, I have my walking DVD out and ready to go....so why am I not exercising? I set my alarm early this morning so I could get up and get it done before I wake my girls up for school...and what did I do? I turned it off and went back to sleep. I have GOT to start exercising. I know it will help my slowly moving scale to move faster. Plus give me energy. and make me feel better. Uugghh.....I need to start!
Confession #2. We ate at Arby's last night. I ordered a roast beef melt. I only intended to eat half. Or eat just the meat out and some of the bread. I ate the whole thing...well almost the whole thing, I did leave some crust behind. I absolutely feel like I have no restriction at all. My surgery was 2 weeks ago tomorrow...and I can already eat a whole sandwich? I didn't order fries, or eat anything elses with it....but really? the whole thing? I can't wait to get a fill....but I have to wait till Nov 17th..so between now and then I don't want to stop losing. so I gotta do this on my own. I have to make myself be satisfied with smaller portions. I have to do this. I want this so bad.
Monday, October 26, 2009
I am officially off the mushies stage..and am now on the soft food stage...to me, I don't see much of a difference between these stages....so I haven't really changed what I am eating too much, besides adding toast to my menu.
I am planning on working out tonight. I got a Leslie Sansone DVD, where by the end I will have walked a mile & a half, while doing some upper body toning stuff while walking...so hoping I keep motivated to do that when I get off work.
Have a great night!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
I had my husband take some pics of me last night, so I would have some before shots...and man oh man, they are bad. I haven't seen full body pictures of myself in a long long time, and here is the evidence why. I look horrible! and this is after losing 17lbs. I almost didn't post them, I am not liking them at all...but I want to have accountability, and I want to be able to look at them to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. These are the jeans Jen sent me (Thanks Jen your amazing) and they are starting to get too big on me, so I will be passing them on soon....
I am so nervous...and excited...but nervous!
I don't know why I do these things to myself, but I went out to lapband talk and started reading all these peoples stories....people who went in for the surgery but the Dr wasn't able to do it because of their liver. Or people who had the surgery but are not losing.....why oh why did I go read all of that. I am already nervous because I was only able to do my preop diet for 8 days total...and my diet was so lenient compared to most...so I think that made it harder to stick with, because I could eat along with drinking my shakes...but overall I did pretty good I think....oh my gosh, that would be so horrible to go in for the surgery but not be able to have it due to fatty liver. And whats the deal with all the people who haven't lost, or who have lost very little after getting banded?? It's kinda scary...I don't want to be one of those people! I want this to work! so bad! I want it so bad! and my fingers & toes are crossed that my liver is not fatty, and that my Dr will be able to do the surgery! I am such a worry wart! I should just slap myself!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
I have a question about exercise....All of you I read your blogs and your working out daily, some running, some aerobics..etc...
Did you start it before you lapband, or after? What I am trying to ask is..after getting banded, did you energy increase and you were motivated to work out? I am really struggling with working out right now, I find excuses, I don't have energy...I am wondering does that/will that change after I get banded? I am hoping after I get banded, and the weight starts falling off, and my energy level increases, that will in turn motivate me to get moving...is that how it worked for you?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Pro's: To feel normal. To get healthy. To like what I see in the mirror. To shop in normal sized clothing stores. To be able to cross my legs. To not worry about the booth size in a restaurant, or fitting into a ride or on a plane. Set good example for my girls. Feel confidence again. To feel in control again. I feel hope.
Con's: fear of surgery. Fear of failing this, which is the last thing I know to try. The cost (even though my insurance approved, I am paying for part of it). Fear that people will comment on the way I will have to eat after surgery, being in ministry we eat out alot, or eat in front of people. the 7 day puree food diet after surgery.
I get banded Thursday! Hoping I can be an amazing success story like Catherine, Amy, Sarah, Jen and Mary!
Thursday, October 8, 2009
I have lost 16lbs so far on this lapband journey....and I don't get banded till next Thursday. I know in my head some of that is water weight since I am on this liquid diet thing...but still, to see that number on the scale when I woke up this morning was a sweet feeling!! And I know it's going to keep happening, and that number will continue to drop!
I am off to work, I have a busy day at work today, then hoping to get my house cleaned in time to watch The Office...the big wedding with Jim & Pam is tonight...and I love that show! Have a great day!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
The liquid diet is going ok...I ate a big salad last night and it tasted so yummy. We have a youth event Friday night after the football game, we are ordering pizzas. That will be hard, I am going to pick up a salad from subway or mcdonalds to eat during that time...
Well, I am off of work, and I need to leave for church...I lead the girls small group. Tonight we are talking about our appearance, and I am bringing in pics of barbie to have as a visual of what the world tells us beautiful is....these girls struggle with their appearance....so I want to convince them that they are beautiful, and we don't have to look like a stinking barbie doll!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I found out something really cool though. My Dr has been training in Hawaii over the summer trying out a new way to do lapband, and it's been so successful, that he is going to do it with me. During the surgery he actually puts 3cc of fill in...so now bandster hell :) He said it restricts me right away, and I don't have to wait the 4-6 weeks to get that amount, he will put it in right away during the surgery, then 4 weeks later, I will get my "2nd" fill. He said it has been shown to really jump start the weight loss. So I am really excited!
Today my hubby came home for lunch and asked me where we were going to get the $ to buy me new clothes, because I will be shrinking so fast. I had to laugh. I told him 1st off, I won't be shrinking that fast. and 2nd, I do have many sizes in my closet so I will be ok for awhile, and lastly...I just may have to spend some $ on new clothes :) which might mean me getting 2nd job but oh well...I can't wait to have that problem!
Monday, October 5, 2009
I know you guys understand this...I just can't sit still...I am so stinking excited! If I am dreaming, please don't pinch me and wake me up...cuz I am loving this dream. Like, I know it's not just going to magically make me lose weight, I know I will have to work at it...but I know this is going to be the tool that will make my dreams of being normal come true! At church yesterday I had to do part of the welcome and announcements...since I am considered "on staff" because my husband is the youth pastor. I felt so uncomfortable standing up in front of 200 people...I know I don't look good at this weight...and I just felt awkward...it totally sucked. And now I have to start doing that regularly...but I know soon I will be looking & feeling better, so that helps.
I am going to go do some happy dancing! because I am so excited!
Sarah...thank you so much for the wonderful clothes. The skirts & shirts fit great, the dress fits, but is a little snug..but now it should fit really soon!! Thanks to all of you for your prayers, support & encouragement.