Friday, October 30, 2009

It's still not I may be arrested for violence against my scale!

I really think I am going to do it. I am going to beat up my scale. Day #4 of it not budging....Yesterday I drank 100oz of water, and ate small and healthy food. I even went to bed with my stomach growling. And still that stupid scale is mocking me. It is so lucky that I can't afford to buy another one!!
So, here is what I am going to do because of that stupid scale, because I REFUSE to let it beat me. Here is my action plan:
1. I WILL NOT weigh myself all weekend. Not once. I will not step on it until Monday. I will not give it the satisfaction.
2. I will continue to drink around 100oz of water every day this weekend
3. I will ignore the halloween candy that will be coming into my house by the pillowcase full by my two girls tomorrow night. I don't want to smell it, see it...I don't even want to acknowledge it.
4. I will exercise 2 times between now and Monday
5. I will try to not eat between meals. And at my meals make wise and healthy choices.
If come Monday morning my stupid scale is still mocking me.....I will attack it. I will take it down. The Montrose newspaper will cover the story of a fat woman in colorado being arrested for physical violence against her scale!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I just wanna cry

It's just been one of those days....I have been crying all day.

First off, my scale hasn't moved for 3 days. I feel like I am going to fail this, like every other diet I have tried. I know in my head what's going on. It's only been 2 weeks, I don't have any fill yet, I am not restricted, my body is still healing...blah blah blah. I want the stinking scale to move. regardless.

I'm lonely. We have lived here 8 months, and I still haven't made any friends. I work from home, so that doesn't really help in the whole friendship building thing. And at church, being a pastors wife makes it hard. I am always "busy" at the services, so I don't really have the opportunity to spend time talking to people. Plus I have to be leary of making friends with someone who is not trustworthy....I have my amazing hubby, and he is my best friend. But ya know, you need girlfriends too.

I'm homesick. Not really for my family, because I am not close to them. But I do miss Randy's family. My girls miss his mom alot. and so do I. And I miss my best friend in IL. We talk every day by phone texting....but it's just not the same. I also miss people from my church there also...Randy wasn't yet a pastor when we lived there, so we had alot of friends in the church, plus the company I work for is there, so I worked in that office for 4 years building relationships.

I am just having a rough day. I really just wanna curl up in a blanket and go to sleep, and hopefully wake up in a better mood. I think part of this depression is it's been snowing here all day for 2 days...and while I love snow, it's really dark and dreary out.... so sorry if this is a depressing post...I just really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I have a confession to make....

Ok, here goes. I started this blog for a couple of reasons..but the biggest reason was for accountability.

Confession #1. I got the "all clear" to start exercising on Monday. today is Wednesday....and have I exercised yet? NO! I am so mad at myself. I have my work out clothes out, I have my walking DVD out and ready to why am I not exercising? I set my alarm early this morning so I could get up and get it done before I wake my girls up for school...and what did I do? I turned it off and went back to sleep. I have GOT to start exercising. I know it will help my slowly moving scale to move faster. Plus give me energy. and make me feel better. Uugghh.....I need to start!

Confession #2. We ate at Arby's last night. I ordered a roast beef melt. I only intended to eat half. Or eat just the meat out and some of the bread. I ate the whole thing...well almost the whole thing, I did leave some crust behind. I absolutely feel like I have no restriction at all. My surgery was 2 weeks ago tomorrow...and I can already eat a whole sandwich? I didn't order fries, or eat anything elses with it....but really? the whole thing? I can't wait to get a fill....but I have to wait till Nov between now and then I don't want to stop losing. so I gotta do this on my own. I have to make myself be satisfied with smaller portions. I have to do this. I want this so bad.

Monday, October 26, 2009

-22 lbs...but from my feet?

I had a really good weekend. My scale finally budged some, so I am now down 22lbs...but what's weird is my shoes are all too big now? Did you guys lose weight in your feet? I can understand in my ankles...but in my feet? I think thats really weird...

I am officially off the mushies stage..and am now on the soft food me, I don't see much of a difference between these I haven't really changed what I am eating too much, besides adding toast to my menu.

I am planning on working out tonight. I got a Leslie Sansone DVD, where by the end I will have walked a mile & a half, while doing some upper body toning stuff while hoping I keep motivated to do that when I get off work.
Have a great night!

Friday, October 23, 2009

my follow up Dr appt today

I had my follow up appt today, my surgery was last Thursday. My Dr said I was healing nicely, he removed the strips from my 6 incisions. I am still bloated from the gas somewhat, but he said by this time next week that should all be out of me. He explained why my surgery went so long, and why my recovery time is a little longer than most. There was no room between my stomach & my spleen, It was a very tight they had to pretty much lift my stomach up and away from me to get the band around it...and then I was bleeding pretty bad as a capillary vein that connected my stomach to my spleen needless to say, because of the tight fit, he wasn't able to put the 3cc's in that he planned to do. But I do have my first fill scheduled for Nov I am really hoping that I can be disciplined and controled to lose between now & then on my own without the restriction. I can tell I have some, but I am really starting to get tummy has been growling....I am trying to ignore it because I really want to start losing...but man I feel like I have a normal appetite. The scale hasn't moved in a couple of days, thats making me mad too. Ha! But I get clearance to start exercising on Monday, so I know that will help that stupid scale to move. I have to start off light, like walking and gradually move my way up to heavier stuff like weights. I am ready for the weekend! I am hoping to have a great weekend, to keep my appetite under control and get the scale moving. I hope you ladies have an amazing weekend as well!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am feeling better! and down 20lbs!

I am feeling so much better! Yesterday was just what I needed. I did some light housekeeping, then layed around and watched movies with my girls. Today, I am at back at work, and feeling so much better. My stomach is finally starting to growl, and I am eating & drinking much more easily. Now I am ready to start some exercising, so will talk to my Dr about that on Friday at my appt. I am ready to go now! Ready to start this lifestyle and start losing weight!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am officially a Bandster.

Well, my surgery was Thursday. To say I was nervous that morning would be an understatement. But I showered, got ready, and my husband and I were off. I got checked in, got into my gown, hooked up and ready. My surgery was supposed to last about an hour to an hour & a half. It ended up lasting 3 1/2 hours. I was supposed to have 4-5 incisions, ended up with 6. My Dr told my husband that my stomach and spleen were somehow intertwined and it took them a long time to get them apart and that resulted in the extra incision. He wasn't concerned about it, just said there wasn't alot of room and they had to get them apart to put the band around my stomach. He said I would be pretty sore because of what all they had to do and boy was I. I felt like such crap Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I pretty much took my pain pills every 4 hours and stayed in bed. I didn't feel like eating, drinking, or moving. I begged Randy to take me back to the hospital to take the band out. I am finally doing a little better. Yesterday I officially was moved to the mushie stage, so i ate some mashed potatoes. Randy and I went grocery shopping and I think getting out, moving helped somewhat. I was going to go back to work today, but decided I needed one more day. I'm just not bouncing back as quickly as I thought I would. And I just don't "feel right". I don't know how to explain it but I have to force myself to eat & drink. I always have this funny taste in my mouth and it's nasty. How long till I start to feel normal? Everyone in my family is sick, so I am trying to stay away, but I have been coughing (which of course hurts my tummy like crazy), so I am thinking maybe that is part of why I am not bouncing back. I called my Dr yesterday and they told me to stay away from my family and to force myself to eat & drink. My followup appt is I am going to try to hang on till then. I just hope this gets better. Please tell me it will.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

oh man...these before pics are quite the eye opener

I had my husband take some pics of me last night, so I would have some before shots...and man oh man, they are bad. I haven't seen full body pictures of myself in a long long time, and here is the evidence why. I look horrible! and this is after losing 17lbs. I almost didn't post them, I am not liking them at all...but I want to have accountability, and I want to be able to look at them to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. These are the jeans Jen sent me (Thanks Jen your amazing) and they are starting to get too big on me, so I will be passing them on soon....
Well, I better get to bed, tomorrow is my big surgery day!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya (I hope)'s surgery day!

Tomorrow is the day! The big surgery day!

I am so nervous...and excited...but nervous!

I don't know why I do these things to myself, but I went out to lapband talk and started reading all these peoples stories....people who went in for the surgery but the Dr wasn't able to do it because of their liver. Or people who had the surgery but are not losing.....why oh why did I go read all of that. I am already nervous because I was only able to do my preop diet for 8 days total...and my diet was so lenient compared to I think that made it harder to stick with, because I could eat along with drinking my shakes...but overall I did pretty good I think....oh my gosh, that would be so horrible to go in for the surgery but not be able to have it due to fatty liver. And whats the deal with all the people who haven't lost, or who have lost very little after getting banded?? It's kinda scary...I don't want to be one of those people! I want this to work! so bad! I want it so bad! and my fingers & toes are crossed that my liver is not fatty, and that my Dr will be able to do the surgery! I am such a worry wart! I should just slap myself!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

some questions for you banders on exercise

Hey Guys...
I have a question about exercise....All of you I read your blogs and your working out daily, some running, some aerobics..etc...

Did you start it before you lapband, or after? What I am trying to ask is..after getting banded, did you energy increase and you were motivated to work out? I am really struggling with working out right now, I find excuses, I don't have energy...I am wondering does that/will that change after I get banded? I am hoping after I get banded, and the weight starts falling off, and my energy level increases, that will in turn motivate me to get that how it worked for you?

Monday, October 12, 2009

3 days from's coming up quick, some pro's & con's

I can't believe Thursday is surgery day. It still feels kind of unreal...but the closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. I have been re-reading thru some other people's blogs around the time right before and right after their surgery, to try to prepare myself for what's to come. Several people did a Pro's and Con's list and that seems like a really good here is mine:

Pro's: To feel normal. To get healthy. To like what I see in the mirror. To shop in normal sized clothing stores. To be able to cross my legs. To not worry about the booth size in a restaurant, or fitting into a ride or on a plane. Set good example for my girls. Feel confidence again. To feel in control again. I feel hope.

Con's: fear of surgery. Fear of failing this, which is the last thing I know to try. The cost (even though my insurance approved, I am paying for part of it). Fear that people will comment on the way I will have to eat after surgery, being in ministry we eat out alot, or eat in front of people. the 7 day puree food diet after surgery.

I get banded Thursday! Hoping I can be an amazing success story like Catherine, Amy, Sarah, Jen and Mary!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

a long way to go but still....I'm happy!

I have lost 16lbs so far on this lapband journey....and I don't get banded till next Thursday. I know in my head some of that is water weight since I am on this liquid diet thing...but still, to see that number on the scale when I woke up this morning was a sweet feeling!! And I know it's going to keep happening, and that number will continue to drop!

I am off to work, I have a busy day at work today, then hoping to get my house cleaned in time to watch The Office...the big wedding with Jim & Pam is tonight...and I love that show! Have a great day!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Don't pinch me, I don't want to wake up

I just am so excited. I can't stop smiling....I have wanted to have this surgery for a few years now, but it's now finally happening...and it still kinda feels like a don't pinch me and wake me up :)

The liquid diet is going ok...I ate a big salad last night and it tasted so yummy. We have a youth event Friday night after the football game, we are ordering pizzas. That will be hard, I am going to pick up a salad from subway or mcdonalds to eat during that time...

Well, I am off of work, and I need to leave for church...I lead the girls small group. Tonight we are talking about our appearance, and I am bringing in pics of barbie to have as a visual of what the world tells us beautiful is....these girls struggle with their I want to convince them that they are beautiful, and we don't have to look like a stinking barbie doll!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 1 liquid...and I get a fill during surgery?

Hello everyone! I must say I am in a really good mood. I started my liquid diet today...again, lol. This time tho, I know I am good to go. Since I only have 9 days to shrink my liver, I am going to not follow my dieticians instructions all the way. The diet I was given was: bfast, shake & piece of fruit. snack, shake. Lunch, shake & salad. Supper, veggie, starch, chicken or fish, salad. snack, another salad. I am going to try to stick to mostly shakes, with maybe 1 small salad and a piece of fruit. I don't want to go to surgery, and then not be able to have it because my liver has not shrunk enough.

I found out something really cool though. My Dr has been training in Hawaii over the summer trying out a new way to do lapband, and it's been so successful, that he is going to do it with me. During the surgery he actually puts 3cc of fill now bandster hell :) He said it restricts me right away, and I don't have to wait the 4-6 weeks to get that amount, he will put it in right away during the surgery, then 4 weeks later, I will get my "2nd" fill. He said it has been shown to really jump start the weight loss. So I am really excited!

Today my hubby came home for lunch and asked me where we were going to get the $ to buy me new clothes, because I will be shrinking so fast. I had to laugh. I told him 1st off, I won't be shrinking that fast. and 2nd, I do have many sizes in my closet so I will be ok for awhile, and lastly...I just may have to spend some $ on new clothes :) which might mean me getting 2nd job but oh well...I can't wait to have that problem!

Monday, October 5, 2009

I have a date! I have a date! and boy is it coming up quick!

My doctors office just called...and my surgery is on Thursday Oct 15th! at 9:45am. I have to be there at 7:45am. That is like so quick!! I have to start my liquid diet asap...and I won't get the full 2 weeks in...but he said that won't be a problem....I sure hope not after all of this. But seems like everyone else had to follow it for 2 weeks??? If I start tomorrow that's only 9 full days of liquid diet...looking for some imput from you guys, how long did you have to do the liquid diet? I just scheduled 2 vacation days, Oct 15th & the 16th, then I have sat & sunday off too...then back to work on Monday. But since I work from home and I just sit and answer phone calls & type, I should be ok, right? thats 4 days of recovery time....I hope thats enough....
I know you guys understand this...I just can't sit still...I am so stinking excited! If I am dreaming, please don't pinch me and wake me up...cuz I am loving this dream. Like, I know it's not just going to magically make me lose weight, I know I will have to work at it...but I know this is going to be the tool that will make my dreams of being normal come true! At church yesterday I had to do part of the welcome and announcements...since I am considered "on staff" because my husband is the youth pastor. I felt so uncomfortable standing up in front of 200 people...I know I don't look good at this weight...and I just felt totally sucked. And now I have to start doing that regularly...but I know soon I will be looking & feeling better, so that helps.
I am going to go do some happy dancing! because I am so excited! I come!!!!! I'm doing a happy dance!

I got the wonderful news just an hour ago. My insurance company has overturned their decision....and they have approved the surgery and they are paying 90%!! My Dr's office just called me to let me know they have heard officially from my insurance company also! My surgery will either by Oct 15th or Oct 22nd...I should know within the next few hours. I am so happy...and shocked. I really thought they were going to deny it again. I can't believe I am a couple weeks ago from surgery, finally. It's been a long battle, but hopefully it will all be worth it.
Sarah...thank you so much for the wonderful clothes. The skirts & shirts fit great, the dress fits, but is a little snug..but now it should fit really soon!! Thanks to all of you for your prayers, support & encouragement.