Wednesday, December 30, 2009

I am grumpy...but do have some news to share

Well, 1st let me start off by sharing something I found at the grocery store last night.

I love cereal. and I haven't been eating it because I am trying to eat food that is higher in protein. But last night while strolling thru the cereal deptartment and drooling, I stumbled across Special K High Protein cereal. I never knew they made's got 10grams of protein in 3/4 of a cup, add your skim milk and thats a pretty good breakfast protein amount...thought I would pass that on in case you guys didn't know they made that cereal either.

I am grumpy today, for many reasons.....maybe venting will make me feel better.

*I wanna be skinny. today. I (like Amy) seem to be seeing skinny people everywhere...sometimes I just wanna slap them. Can anyone else relate?? ha!

*I want restriction. today. This 2nd surgery is really setting me back, I should have had like 3 fills by now and working on #4....

*I am frustrated that I haven't lost 40lbs yet. or more. It seems to be taking forever. I know it's not....but remember, I am grumpy and I am venting.

*I am hurt, upset, ticked at my family. Just because they don't agree with our decision to move away and pursue ministry...doesn't give them the right to treat my kids like this. They don't acknowledge their birthdays, nothing. And didn't call, send a card, nothing for Christmas. It hurts sooo bad, and it's not fun explaining to my daughters why grandma & grandpa treat us this way

*I am getting loose hair in my hands when I wash. and a comb full of hair when I comb my hair. It's freaking me out. It didn't start till I had to have that 2nd surgery to flip my port back over. that 2nd surgery really stressed my body out. big time. and the hair thing is scaring me. big time. I wanna be skinny, but not bald and skinny

*before I had my surgery I asked, and asked and asked again, if my dr was in network for my insurance plan. and 3x told yes. My insurance processed his bill as if he was out of network. I have been working with my insurance for weeks over this and because he goes by 2 different tax id's, one for lapband and one for regular surgery, my claim is considered out of network because his tax id for lapband surgery is not in network. so out of his $5000 bill they are only paying 2thousand. for us right now, 3000 is ALOT of $ I am super stressed out about this. If you have been following my blog you know that my husband had to do internship for ministry for 15 months without pay. That wiped out our savings and to survive as a family of 4 on just my income was hard. We are slowly getting out of that hole we had to dig, but nowhere close to being out yet, and this unexpected bill is going to be really hard for us.

So yeah, guess that about sums up why I am grumpy today. I am hoping to get off work, get to bed early, and wake up in a better mood tomorrow. Thanks for listening.

Monday, December 28, 2009

I've got the Christmas is over blues

I am always so upset when Christmas is over. I still have my tree up, and am still listening to my christmas music, but I know after this weekend, the Holidays are over....and I always get blue. I LOVE this time of the year, and Christmas, and I hate that it's over.

We had a nice Christmas, it just comes and goes so quickly. I did get a little sad, well alot sad, when the day was over and I realized I didn't get a call, a card, nothing from my family. It's so hard to explain to my girls why their Grandma & Grandpa don't call them, or write to's soo sad.

On the eating front, I didn't pig out...but I also didn't do as well as I should have. I shouldn't have made cookies, that was my first mistake. Also, we were given baskets of goodies from people....having fudge and homemade cookies, and cinnamon rolls, etc was sooo tempting to me. I did eat cookies, way too many, but during all the meals I ate small portions. I didn't eat near the amount that I usually do at Christmas. I also decided to allow myself christmas weekend to not count calories or feel guilty over indulging a little. I weighed myself this morning, and up a I'm not upset, I will lose that lb easily and I am back on track officially today. I gave away all the rest of the goodies we had in the house, threw some away and no there is none left.

I am also back to exercising again today. I always feel sooo good after a workout, so I can't wait for that feeling. I get off work in 2 hours, then I am working out.

I did have some great NSV this weekend. I fit back into two shirts I had in my closet, both were size 18 and they buttoned up...and they both fit me! I also fit into an 1x sweater, and an XL sweater...woohoo! I was told this weekend at church that my face looked thinner and that I looked skinnier...that made me feel good. I can tell myself now that I am losing. I don't hide from the camera as much, I am feeling good, and have more energy. I will post some pics of my family taken over christmas in my next blog. I am also going to make some goals and will be posting those soon, for accountability.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas!

Monday, December 21, 2009

The stitches are out, and I am feeling much better

My Dr appt went just fine last Friday. He said I am healing nicely, no sign of infection and he took the stitches out. I was cleared to resume hoping to get that in tonight. He didn't want to give me another fill though yet, till some of the swellling goes my next fill appt is Jan 5th. I do tell though that I have some restriction...just not enough. I lost 2.5 lbs last week...I am ok with that...finally the scale moved. So now to keep it moving...and around the Holidays, that will be hard..but thats my goal!

I sure wish we had some snow....It's depressing to me to not have snow at Christmas. I see it up in the mountains all around us..but none here where we live. I never thought I would not have snow living in Colorado, but we live on the wrong side of the Mountain. But oh well....I am still going to make the best of it, and am hoping to have an amazing Christmas. and I hope you all do as well.

Merry Christmas!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

I am kinda scared for my Dr appt tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is my follow up appt at my Dr's office to get my stitches out from my 2nd surgery last Thursday. I am still sore...but much better than I was. I am still really swollen looks like I have a hump coming out of my stomach...

I really really hope this doesn't hurt, I am still really scared of his office...last week hurt so bad. I'm not a wimp when it comes to pain either...but yeah, it hurt. I also want another fill, but am scared to get it...I don't know what I will do if this port flips again, or I have more complications. I don't even know if he will give me one considering I am bruised beyond belief, and swollen, and just had surgery to have it flipped.

I guess I will have to keep relying on my willpower...which is working, for now. But the whole reason I had the surgery is because I need help. My willpower only lasts for so long....

My scale is finally moving again, so thats some good news in light of all the bad news I have had lately. I am really missing exercising...I love that "high" after I get done with a good workout. I am hoping to be cleared to start working out again next week.

I will post more after my Dr appt tomorrow. Wish me luck.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Well...ended up needing a 2nd surgery

Well...if you have been reading my blog you know whats going on. I went in for my 2nd fill, the dr tried and tried and couldn't do it. Went and had Xray done to confirm that it hadn't flipped...and it hadn't. The Dr tried to do the fill under xray and again couldn't do it. He had me come in last Thur to do what he thought would be a 15 min procedure to fix whatever was going on with my ended up turning into a 2 hour surgery, in his office. My port was covered with scar much so that it weighted my port down and caused it to flip. They numbed my tummy and went in and discovered it after they opened me up. Because I was already opened he went ahead and did the surgery while I was in his office...and it hurt. really bad. They had to open me up quite a bit to scrape all the scar tissue off and flip my port around. Because I was in his office, they couldn't put me out...they could only keep it numb...but I could still feel alot, and hear it...and it hurt. I am so hurts worse than my original surgery..the opening is so big. I was on bedrest all weekend and on pain pills. I am back to work today, but am still really sore...and boy am I swollen. My stomach looks's huge, black and blue with a huge cut. I go back Friday to have my stitches taken out. He did a fill while he was in there...I am feeling some restriction..but not enough. I am just hoping and praying nothing like this happens again. He attached my port in 3 spots to my stomach muscle....
All I want is to start feeling better..and start losing again..and feel restriction.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

My horrible experience trying to get my 2nd fill

It's been a rough few is what is going on.

Last Friday I had an appointment to get my 2nd fill. I wasn't really nervous as my first fill was pretty easy with little pain. The Dr came in, congratulated me on my weight loss and got me up on the table. He tried and tried to give me the fill, but couldn't find the center of my port. He used 3 different needles trying, and ended up bending all 3. He just couldn't find it no matter what he tried or did. He tried for 30 min, by which time I was really sore & hurting. He was afraid that maybe my port had flipped, so he sent me to the hospital for xrays. They came back normal...but boy was I scared. By Saturday morning I had bruises all over my stomach from the needle and his pushing. He set up an appt for me yesterday at the hospital to do my fill under xray, so he could see what is going on. I went yesterday, and experienced the same thing as Friday. Even with the xray you could see my port and the needle but everytime he tried the port would "float" and he couldn't get it in. the xray showed my port just moving all over. Again, the pain and the bruising and the pushing. But I'm tough and never complained. I just want my I can have some restiction and start my weight loss moving again. He tried and tried, and couldn't get it. So now, on Thursday I am going to his office and he is going to cut me open where my port is, and take a look to see what is going on and see if he can stabilize my port...he doesn't really know why this is happening, but said he can fix it and will fill me up while he is in there. I am a little nervous about this....I will be numb in that area that he is doing it, but I will be awake and will be able to feel the tugging and pulling...and after the numb stuff wears off I will be pretty sore. he said I will have to be really careful because by opening it back up, I will be at risk for infection. I don't understand what has changed from my first fill 2 weeks ago till now....I just want this to be over with and get a fill. I am a little scared, and nervous.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Some new pictures 30 lbs down

I can see a difference from my last pictures to these, I wish I could do them side by side, but I can't figure it out. But gosh, I still have a long way to go!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

A NSV today!

Tomorrow is my birthday. So today, I was taken out for lunch by all the staff from the church where my husband works..he is the youth pastor there. Anyway, as we were sitting down, one of the ladies leaned over to me and said "I noticed on Sunday and didn't have a chance to tell you, that you are looking really nice, how much weight have you lost?" I was so excited, I almost did a jig :) It feels so good when people notice...really good.
I was proud of what I ate too..I ordered a chicken salad...I scooped all the sour cream and guacamole off and just ate the lettuce, chicken and tomatoes. and I didn't eat that yummy crispy bowl that the taco salad comes in...and that is my favorite part! I also didn't touch the free dessert they brought out for me since it was my birthday, I just started passing it around for everyone else to enjoy.

On the band front...the scale hasn't budged since Sat...but I lost like 4lbs last I am not too frustrated..... yet. Plus I am working out every day and the DVD I am doing is circuit training...we do 2 min of aerobics, then 2 min of weights...and keeps repeating for 35 min. I am sweaty and stinky by the end, but I can really tell it's working. I have 3 more lbs to lose to reach my Thanksgiving doesn't look like I will reach that, but I am ok with that...I am not cheating, I am drinking my water, exercising, and eating small portions, so I know the scale will move again.

On the fill front, I had my first one last week. I have no restriction and can't tell any difference, at all. My next fill is Friday Dec 5th, so hopefully that one will do something.

Have a great day!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Goodbye 250's...and I will never see you again!

I was soooo happy to jump on the scale this morning and see my weight didn't start with 25...but instead started with 24 :) and I will never see that nasty number again. I am 1 pound away from reaching 30lbs and I can't wait to reach that loss. I have only 4pounds to go to reach my Thanksgiving goal.

On the fill front...I was on liquids and musies, today I can start regular food. I haven't been able to tell much of a difference yet....but like everyone has said, I realize it takes a few to get to restricition.

I am excited for the weekend. Tomorrow I will be putting up all of our christmas decorations, and our family is going to see the new Disney Christmas movie, and I can't wait! I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Some goals of mine

Just want to blog a couple of goals I want to reach this year. I want to blog them for accountability purposes.

I want to get down to 245 by Thanksgiving...thats 5lbs in 8 days...I may not reach it..but I sure am going to try.

I want to get down to 225 by Christmas...thats 20lbs in a month (assuming I reach the 1st goal by Turkey day)

So that is what I am shooting for!

Have a great day everyone!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

I got my first fill!!!!! and some questions for you that have been filled...

Well, I got my first fill today. I was a little nervous...and a little scared, but a whole lot of excited.

My Dr came in the room and was pleased with my weight loss since my follow up after my surgery. He said most of his patients don't lose anything between that appt and their first he asked me what I did to lose...I was like I did what the nutrionist said to do...I drank a ton of water, I have been exercising, not snacking and eating right.

He then poked around a bit (which did hurt...but not enough that I screamed)...and he took out what was in there and then put some in...I am at 4.2 cc in my 10 cc band. I am on liquids today and tomorrow, mushies on Thur & Friday, then normal on Sat. Is that typical of what your told when you get a fill??

My next fill is scheduled for Dec 15th. The Dr said it might take 4-6 fills to find my "sweet spot" many did it take for you??

Monday, November 16, 2009

Woo Hoo! Keep that scale moving!

After 2 weeks of no scale movement.....It's finally moving. I am down 4lbs last week!! And a total of 26. And my first fill is tomorrow!!

Saturday, November 14, 2009

It moved again...down another pound

Happy Saturday!

I am down another pound! So from 2 weeks of no scale down 2 lbs in a few days :) I will take it!

3 days away from my 1st fill....Tuesday can't come fast enough.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Friday, November 13, 2009

Pumpkin Fluff....maybe it will keep you away from the pumpkin pie :)

I thought I would share a weight watchers recipe I is really yummy and low in fat....I plan on making it on Thanksgiving to eat instead of the other fattening desserts.

Pumpkin Fluff

1 box fat free/sugar free vanilla pudding
1 box fat free/sugar free butterscotch pudding
1 small can of pumpkin (not the pie kind, just pumpkin)
2 cups skim milk
(You can add a dash of pumpkin pie spices..or cinnamon if you want)

Blend all of that together, chill and eat. It's yummy!

I hope everyone has a great weekend. For me, it's going to be a busy one...but I am hoping to get my exercise in, and make wise food choices...and hopefully that scale will move another lb down...Tuesday is my 1st fill..and it can't come fast enough!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I am still trudging on....ignoring my scale...while enjoying smaller clothes

Well, after 2 weeks of no movement on the scale...a couple of days ago it went down a pound...and for the last couple of days...again no movement. But, I am still trudging on. I am still eating right, working out 4-5x a week...and moving on. In inches I am going down...I tried on a pair of jeans last night that I haven't worn in a couple of years, and they slid right on...I couldn't believe it!! I have gone down almost 3 sizes in my jeans...and that to me is amazing! But I really want the scale to move....why is it that we let that # on the scale define us?? When it goes down, it makes me so happy...I feel lighter, happier...and when it stays the same, or even goes up a little...I get ticked. I feel heavy, sad, and ticked off. Even though from one day to another I can tell the difference in my clothes...that stupid # on the scale makes all the difference in the world.
Well, next Tuesday is my 1st fill...and today is 4 weeks since my surgery...I am ready to get this fill stuff started and ready to get my weight dropping!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Finally.....some movement

The scale FINALLY budged. I can't believe it hadn't really moved for 2 weeks...but I stuck it out. I ate pretty good, and I have been working out in the mornings before starting work...and finally today it went down a pound. I want it to move more than that...but I will take it. My first fill is 1 week from today, and I can't wait. I am a little nervous about getting a fill, after reading some horror stories about them...but I am ready for some restriction. I can't even tell I have a band to tell you the truth. I can eat what I want, and pretty much how much of it I want. I really have to discipline myself to eat smaller portions, and to not snack. So I really really hope this 1st fill does something...I mean, after having surgery to lose weight, you want to actually lose weight, and tell you have a band in you...I am going to ask for a generous fill :)

Thursday, November 5, 2009

I am copying several is my "Get to know me"

Here goes:

A- Age: hmm...not something I share :)
Annoyance: gossip, I despise it.
Animal: Dolphins
Actor: John Travolta

B- Beer: Yuck
Birthday/Birthplace: November 25th, in Rockford IL
Body Part on opposite sex: eyes
Been in Love: Yep, I love my husband, he is the best!
Been bitched at: Yes
Believe in yourself?: somtimes....
Believe in God: Absolutely! He is my savior
Before weight: 278

C- Car: my Chrysler minivan
Candy: reeses penut butter cups
Color: Purple
Cried in school: yep several times. girls are mean!
Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate...with penut butter :)
Chinese/Mexican: mmmm, I love mexican food
Cake or pie: Cake
Country to visit: I would LOVE to go to Ireland

D- Day or Night: Night, I am a night person
Do the splits?: yep, I sure can

E- Eggs: medium over, or scrambled
Eyes: brown

F- First crush: Brad Hollifield 7th grade
First thoughts waking up: I wanna get on the scale to see if I have lost
Food: I like pizza, mexican food...and chinese

G- Greatest Fear: fear of losing either my husband or girls
Goals: to get skinny. and get out of debt so I can quit work and work at the church with my husband
Get along with your parents?: no...not really
Good luck charm: I don't have one..

H- Hair Colour: brown
Height: 5"4
Happy: for the most part
Holiday: I love Thanksgiving and Christmas...I LOVE the holidays!
Health freak?:I wish I was
Hate: living far away from my best friend Jennifer, and Randy's family, I miss them alot. I also don't like my job too much. I also hate bills.

I- Ice Cream: Mint Chocolate Chip
Instrument: Piano & flute

J- Jewelry: Silver
Job: Insurance Customer service Representative for Metlife Auto & Home. Plus a wife. and mom. And I work with my husband in youth ministry

K- Kids: 2 daughters. Ashley Marie is 14, and Aimee Miranda is 8
Kickboxing or karate: I used to do Tae Bo dvd, lol
Keep a journal? yep, and this blog

L- Longest Car Ride: 22 hours when we moved from Minnesota to Colorado
Love: oh yeah, I am totally in love with my husband, he is the best!
Laughed so hard you cried: oh yeah, and have even been known to pee a little while laughing :)
Love at first sight: nope, don't believe it

M- Milk flavor: Chocolate
Movie: A Christmas Story
Mooned anyone?:Just my hubby
Marriage: I believe in it! and I have a great one!
Motion sickness? no
McD’s or BK: Mcdonalds

N- Number of Siblings: 3 sisters and 1 brother
Number of Piercings: 3, I have one in each ear, and my nose is pierced
Number: 7

O- One wish: To be debt free, so that I can quit my job, and work at the church with my husband in youth ministry. I absolutely love working with teens, mentoring them and watching them grow a relationship with God. I hate religion...I believe it's about a relationship with God

P- Place you’d like to live: Tennessee
Perfect Pizza: Extra cheese, sausage, mushrooms & onions
Pepsi/Coke: mmm, diet pepsi, but haven't had one in about 4 weeks

Q- Questionaires: when I have time..

R- Reason to cry: It doesn't take much, I am emotional
Reality T.V.: I like it, but don't have much time to watch tv
Roll your tongue in a circle? yeah, I can

S- Song: I love too many, but prolly my favorite is called "Oh how he loves"
Shoe size: 7
Salad Dressing: Ranch
Skipped school: no
Smoking: I used to
Sing well?: I am ok
Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries

T- Time for bed: usually around 11pm
Thunderstorms: I LOVE them
TV: I don't watch tv very often

U- Unpredictable: not usually

V- Vegetable you hate: Green beans
Vegetable you love: asparagus
Vacation spot: We love to go camping

W- Weakness: I love chocolate
When you grow up: in ministry...which we are
Which one of your friends acts the most like you: Jennifer
Wanted to be a model?: not really

X-X-Rays: I have had a few

Y-Year it is now: 2009-
Yellow: the color of my kitchen

Z- Zoo: I love going there
Zodiac sign: don't believe in that stuff

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I still hate my scale...but some NSV's!

I am still ticked at my scale. Its still not moving...but I am going down in inches.
First off, I had a rough weekend. I vowed I wasn't going to step on that stupid scale...but I just couldn't do it. I hopped on it Sat & Sund morning. It's not going up...but it's not going down much either. But on the plus side, I worked out sat, and again Monday and again Today. and it feels GREAT! I also said I wouldn't touch the halloween candy...but I did. Not horribly bad...but several pieces have found their way into me. But that was the weekend, and yesterday I started plugging away again, and haven't had another piece.

At church Sunday morning I was told my someone that my face looked thinner. And someone else told me they could really tell I was losing weight. That made my day! And then last night, I was getting dressed and my husband walked in the room....and he said "Wow, I can really tell your losing weight..your stomach is shrinking!" Man did that feel great!
I also can take my jeans on and off now without unzipping or unsnapping It's time for a new pair!

Have a great day!

Friday, October 30, 2009

It's still not I may be arrested for violence against my scale!

I really think I am going to do it. I am going to beat up my scale. Day #4 of it not budging....Yesterday I drank 100oz of water, and ate small and healthy food. I even went to bed with my stomach growling. And still that stupid scale is mocking me. It is so lucky that I can't afford to buy another one!!
So, here is what I am going to do because of that stupid scale, because I REFUSE to let it beat me. Here is my action plan:
1. I WILL NOT weigh myself all weekend. Not once. I will not step on it until Monday. I will not give it the satisfaction.
2. I will continue to drink around 100oz of water every day this weekend
3. I will ignore the halloween candy that will be coming into my house by the pillowcase full by my two girls tomorrow night. I don't want to smell it, see it...I don't even want to acknowledge it.
4. I will exercise 2 times between now and Monday
5. I will try to not eat between meals. And at my meals make wise and healthy choices.
If come Monday morning my stupid scale is still mocking me.....I will attack it. I will take it down. The Montrose newspaper will cover the story of a fat woman in colorado being arrested for physical violence against her scale!

Thursday, October 29, 2009

I just wanna cry

It's just been one of those days....I have been crying all day.

First off, my scale hasn't moved for 3 days. I feel like I am going to fail this, like every other diet I have tried. I know in my head what's going on. It's only been 2 weeks, I don't have any fill yet, I am not restricted, my body is still healing...blah blah blah. I want the stinking scale to move. regardless.

I'm lonely. We have lived here 8 months, and I still haven't made any friends. I work from home, so that doesn't really help in the whole friendship building thing. And at church, being a pastors wife makes it hard. I am always "busy" at the services, so I don't really have the opportunity to spend time talking to people. Plus I have to be leary of making friends with someone who is not trustworthy....I have my amazing hubby, and he is my best friend. But ya know, you need girlfriends too.

I'm homesick. Not really for my family, because I am not close to them. But I do miss Randy's family. My girls miss his mom alot. and so do I. And I miss my best friend in IL. We talk every day by phone texting....but it's just not the same. I also miss people from my church there also...Randy wasn't yet a pastor when we lived there, so we had alot of friends in the church, plus the company I work for is there, so I worked in that office for 4 years building relationships.

I am just having a rough day. I really just wanna curl up in a blanket and go to sleep, and hopefully wake up in a better mood. I think part of this depression is it's been snowing here all day for 2 days...and while I love snow, it's really dark and dreary out.... so sorry if this is a depressing post...I just really needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

I have a confession to make....

Ok, here goes. I started this blog for a couple of reasons..but the biggest reason was for accountability.

Confession #1. I got the "all clear" to start exercising on Monday. today is Wednesday....and have I exercised yet? NO! I am so mad at myself. I have my work out clothes out, I have my walking DVD out and ready to why am I not exercising? I set my alarm early this morning so I could get up and get it done before I wake my girls up for school...and what did I do? I turned it off and went back to sleep. I have GOT to start exercising. I know it will help my slowly moving scale to move faster. Plus give me energy. and make me feel better. Uugghh.....I need to start!

Confession #2. We ate at Arby's last night. I ordered a roast beef melt. I only intended to eat half. Or eat just the meat out and some of the bread. I ate the whole thing...well almost the whole thing, I did leave some crust behind. I absolutely feel like I have no restriction at all. My surgery was 2 weeks ago tomorrow...and I can already eat a whole sandwich? I didn't order fries, or eat anything elses with it....but really? the whole thing? I can't wait to get a fill....but I have to wait till Nov between now and then I don't want to stop losing. so I gotta do this on my own. I have to make myself be satisfied with smaller portions. I have to do this. I want this so bad.

Monday, October 26, 2009

-22 lbs...but from my feet?

I had a really good weekend. My scale finally budged some, so I am now down 22lbs...but what's weird is my shoes are all too big now? Did you guys lose weight in your feet? I can understand in my ankles...but in my feet? I think thats really weird...

I am officially off the mushies stage..and am now on the soft food me, I don't see much of a difference between these I haven't really changed what I am eating too much, besides adding toast to my menu.

I am planning on working out tonight. I got a Leslie Sansone DVD, where by the end I will have walked a mile & a half, while doing some upper body toning stuff while hoping I keep motivated to do that when I get off work.
Have a great night!

Friday, October 23, 2009

my follow up Dr appt today

I had my follow up appt today, my surgery was last Thursday. My Dr said I was healing nicely, he removed the strips from my 6 incisions. I am still bloated from the gas somewhat, but he said by this time next week that should all be out of me. He explained why my surgery went so long, and why my recovery time is a little longer than most. There was no room between my stomach & my spleen, It was a very tight they had to pretty much lift my stomach up and away from me to get the band around it...and then I was bleeding pretty bad as a capillary vein that connected my stomach to my spleen needless to say, because of the tight fit, he wasn't able to put the 3cc's in that he planned to do. But I do have my first fill scheduled for Nov I am really hoping that I can be disciplined and controled to lose between now & then on my own without the restriction. I can tell I have some, but I am really starting to get tummy has been growling....I am trying to ignore it because I really want to start losing...but man I feel like I have a normal appetite. The scale hasn't moved in a couple of days, thats making me mad too. Ha! But I get clearance to start exercising on Monday, so I know that will help that stupid scale to move. I have to start off light, like walking and gradually move my way up to heavier stuff like weights. I am ready for the weekend! I am hoping to have a great weekend, to keep my appetite under control and get the scale moving. I hope you ladies have an amazing weekend as well!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

I am feeling better! and down 20lbs!

I am feeling so much better! Yesterday was just what I needed. I did some light housekeeping, then layed around and watched movies with my girls. Today, I am at back at work, and feeling so much better. My stomach is finally starting to growl, and I am eating & drinking much more easily. Now I am ready to start some exercising, so will talk to my Dr about that on Friday at my appt. I am ready to go now! Ready to start this lifestyle and start losing weight!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I am officially a Bandster.

Well, my surgery was Thursday. To say I was nervous that morning would be an understatement. But I showered, got ready, and my husband and I were off. I got checked in, got into my gown, hooked up and ready. My surgery was supposed to last about an hour to an hour & a half. It ended up lasting 3 1/2 hours. I was supposed to have 4-5 incisions, ended up with 6. My Dr told my husband that my stomach and spleen were somehow intertwined and it took them a long time to get them apart and that resulted in the extra incision. He wasn't concerned about it, just said there wasn't alot of room and they had to get them apart to put the band around my stomach. He said I would be pretty sore because of what all they had to do and boy was I. I felt like such crap Thursday, Friday, Saturday & Sunday. I pretty much took my pain pills every 4 hours and stayed in bed. I didn't feel like eating, drinking, or moving. I begged Randy to take me back to the hospital to take the band out. I am finally doing a little better. Yesterday I officially was moved to the mushie stage, so i ate some mashed potatoes. Randy and I went grocery shopping and I think getting out, moving helped somewhat. I was going to go back to work today, but decided I needed one more day. I'm just not bouncing back as quickly as I thought I would. And I just don't "feel right". I don't know how to explain it but I have to force myself to eat & drink. I always have this funny taste in my mouth and it's nasty. How long till I start to feel normal? Everyone in my family is sick, so I am trying to stay away, but I have been coughing (which of course hurts my tummy like crazy), so I am thinking maybe that is part of why I am not bouncing back. I called my Dr yesterday and they told me to stay away from my family and to force myself to eat & drink. My followup appt is I am going to try to hang on till then. I just hope this gets better. Please tell me it will.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

oh man...these before pics are quite the eye opener

I had my husband take some pics of me last night, so I would have some before shots...and man oh man, they are bad. I haven't seen full body pictures of myself in a long long time, and here is the evidence why. I look horrible! and this is after losing 17lbs. I almost didn't post them, I am not liking them at all...but I want to have accountability, and I want to be able to look at them to remind myself why I am doing what I am doing. These are the jeans Jen sent me (Thanks Jen your amazing) and they are starting to get too big on me, so I will be passing them on soon....
Well, I better get to bed, tomorrow is my big surgery day!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow, I love ya (I hope)'s surgery day!

Tomorrow is the day! The big surgery day!

I am so nervous...and excited...but nervous!

I don't know why I do these things to myself, but I went out to lapband talk and started reading all these peoples stories....people who went in for the surgery but the Dr wasn't able to do it because of their liver. Or people who had the surgery but are not losing.....why oh why did I go read all of that. I am already nervous because I was only able to do my preop diet for 8 days total...and my diet was so lenient compared to I think that made it harder to stick with, because I could eat along with drinking my shakes...but overall I did pretty good I think....oh my gosh, that would be so horrible to go in for the surgery but not be able to have it due to fatty liver. And whats the deal with all the people who haven't lost, or who have lost very little after getting banded?? It's kinda scary...I don't want to be one of those people! I want this to work! so bad! I want it so bad! and my fingers & toes are crossed that my liver is not fatty, and that my Dr will be able to do the surgery! I am such a worry wart! I should just slap myself!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

some questions for you banders on exercise

Hey Guys...
I have a question about exercise....All of you I read your blogs and your working out daily, some running, some aerobics..etc...

Did you start it before you lapband, or after? What I am trying to ask is..after getting banded, did you energy increase and you were motivated to work out? I am really struggling with working out right now, I find excuses, I don't have energy...I am wondering does that/will that change after I get banded? I am hoping after I get banded, and the weight starts falling off, and my energy level increases, that will in turn motivate me to get that how it worked for you?

Monday, October 12, 2009

3 days from's coming up quick, some pro's & con's

I can't believe Thursday is surgery day. It still feels kind of unreal...but the closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. I have been re-reading thru some other people's blogs around the time right before and right after their surgery, to try to prepare myself for what's to come. Several people did a Pro's and Con's list and that seems like a really good here is mine:

Pro's: To feel normal. To get healthy. To like what I see in the mirror. To shop in normal sized clothing stores. To be able to cross my legs. To not worry about the booth size in a restaurant, or fitting into a ride or on a plane. Set good example for my girls. Feel confidence again. To feel in control again. I feel hope.

Con's: fear of surgery. Fear of failing this, which is the last thing I know to try. The cost (even though my insurance approved, I am paying for part of it). Fear that people will comment on the way I will have to eat after surgery, being in ministry we eat out alot, or eat in front of people. the 7 day puree food diet after surgery.

I get banded Thursday! Hoping I can be an amazing success story like Catherine, Amy, Sarah, Jen and Mary!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

a long way to go but still....I'm happy!

I have lost 16lbs so far on this lapband journey....and I don't get banded till next Thursday. I know in my head some of that is water weight since I am on this liquid diet thing...but still, to see that number on the scale when I woke up this morning was a sweet feeling!! And I know it's going to keep happening, and that number will continue to drop!

I am off to work, I have a busy day at work today, then hoping to get my house cleaned in time to watch The Office...the big wedding with Jim & Pam is tonight...and I love that show! Have a great day!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Don't pinch me, I don't want to wake up

I just am so excited. I can't stop smiling....I have wanted to have this surgery for a few years now, but it's now finally happening...and it still kinda feels like a don't pinch me and wake me up :)

The liquid diet is going ok...I ate a big salad last night and it tasted so yummy. We have a youth event Friday night after the football game, we are ordering pizzas. That will be hard, I am going to pick up a salad from subway or mcdonalds to eat during that time...

Well, I am off of work, and I need to leave for church...I lead the girls small group. Tonight we are talking about our appearance, and I am bringing in pics of barbie to have as a visual of what the world tells us beautiful is....these girls struggle with their I want to convince them that they are beautiful, and we don't have to look like a stinking barbie doll!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Day 1 liquid...and I get a fill during surgery?

Hello everyone! I must say I am in a really good mood. I started my liquid diet today...again, lol. This time tho, I know I am good to go. Since I only have 9 days to shrink my liver, I am going to not follow my dieticians instructions all the way. The diet I was given was: bfast, shake & piece of fruit. snack, shake. Lunch, shake & salad. Supper, veggie, starch, chicken or fish, salad. snack, another salad. I am going to try to stick to mostly shakes, with maybe 1 small salad and a piece of fruit. I don't want to go to surgery, and then not be able to have it because my liver has not shrunk enough.

I found out something really cool though. My Dr has been training in Hawaii over the summer trying out a new way to do lapband, and it's been so successful, that he is going to do it with me. During the surgery he actually puts 3cc of fill now bandster hell :) He said it restricts me right away, and I don't have to wait the 4-6 weeks to get that amount, he will put it in right away during the surgery, then 4 weeks later, I will get my "2nd" fill. He said it has been shown to really jump start the weight loss. So I am really excited!

Today my hubby came home for lunch and asked me where we were going to get the $ to buy me new clothes, because I will be shrinking so fast. I had to laugh. I told him 1st off, I won't be shrinking that fast. and 2nd, I do have many sizes in my closet so I will be ok for awhile, and lastly...I just may have to spend some $ on new clothes :) which might mean me getting 2nd job but oh well...I can't wait to have that problem!

Monday, October 5, 2009

I have a date! I have a date! and boy is it coming up quick!

My doctors office just called...and my surgery is on Thursday Oct 15th! at 9:45am. I have to be there at 7:45am. That is like so quick!! I have to start my liquid diet asap...and I won't get the full 2 weeks in...but he said that won't be a problem....I sure hope not after all of this. But seems like everyone else had to follow it for 2 weeks??? If I start tomorrow that's only 9 full days of liquid diet...looking for some imput from you guys, how long did you have to do the liquid diet? I just scheduled 2 vacation days, Oct 15th & the 16th, then I have sat & sunday off too...then back to work on Monday. But since I work from home and I just sit and answer phone calls & type, I should be ok, right? thats 4 days of recovery time....I hope thats enough....
I know you guys understand this...I just can't sit still...I am so stinking excited! If I am dreaming, please don't pinch me and wake me up...cuz I am loving this dream. Like, I know it's not just going to magically make me lose weight, I know I will have to work at it...but I know this is going to be the tool that will make my dreams of being normal come true! At church yesterday I had to do part of the welcome and announcements...since I am considered "on staff" because my husband is the youth pastor. I felt so uncomfortable standing up in front of 200 people...I know I don't look good at this weight...and I just felt totally sucked. And now I have to start doing that regularly...but I know soon I will be looking & feeling better, so that helps.
I am going to go do some happy dancing! because I am so excited! I come!!!!! I'm doing a happy dance!

I got the wonderful news just an hour ago. My insurance company has overturned their decision....and they have approved the surgery and they are paying 90%!! My Dr's office just called me to let me know they have heard officially from my insurance company also! My surgery will either by Oct 15th or Oct 22nd...I should know within the next few hours. I am so happy...and shocked. I really thought they were going to deny it again. I can't believe I am a couple weeks ago from surgery, finally. It's been a long battle, but hopefully it will all be worth it.
Sarah...thank you so much for the wonderful clothes. The skirts & shirts fit great, the dress fits, but is a little snug..but now it should fit really soon!! Thanks to all of you for your prayers, support & encouragement.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I am not enjoying getting the run-around!!

I was told 10 days we will give you our my appeal on the denial by my insurance company for the Lap-band. Well....10 days have come and gone...and still no decision.

I called them today (and I have been doing almost every day) and was told, no not 10 days, it will be 15 days.

My Dr called today, they told him no, not 10 days, or 15 days but it will be 30 days before we reach our decision.

Insurance companies suck. I am so stinking sick of this whole mess.
I just want to have the surgery, and start living the lapband life. I'm depressed, ticked off, and getting very frustrated.

Sorry, I had to vent a little....

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Today was supposed to be the day.... was my scheduled surgery date. I was supposed to have my lapband surgery early this's so sad that it didn't happen. I have bawled like a million times today...

It's day 7 of my appeal...and no decision has been could be another 8 days before they decide. I have asked my Dr what my chances are, and while he sounded like they were good..his face and mannerisms while I asked told a different story. I just don't get insurance (United Healthcare) is supposed to be one of the easiest insurance companies to get approval from. They told me 3 times that I was covered....I can't believe after I spent so much $ doing all the pre-sugery stuff that one week before my surgery, they denied it.

I waiver between such anger, hopelessness, depression,'s all so frustrating....I am hoping for the best, but preparing myself for reality...I wish wish wish I could just pay for it and get it done. I got approved for the care credit card for the cost of the surgery...but we just can't swing the payments...I have looked at our budget from every point possible and it just wouldn't be fair to put us in that big of a I will continue to wait to hear on my appeal, and keep taking it one day at a time...

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississippi and on and on till 10 Mississippi

ok, so my surgery has been canceled for next Thursday. And my Dr told me to stop following the preop diet, so I have had a pot of coffee, and a piece of pizza...and a diet pepsi. MMMMM, it all tasted good after following the preop diet for 7 days with no caffeine.

But, the downside is, possibly no surgery. I am truly down in the dumps. My Dr called me today, he spoke with the insurance Dr yesterday, and the insurance Dr agrees with my Dr, that according to my policies criteria I am eligible. Dr filed an appeal today to my insurance. The insurance Dr told him some stuff to add to help my, now it's just a waiting game. My insurance has 10 days to review the appeal and make their final decision....My Dr said I have a good chance...but then he said you can never tell what insurance companies will do. He said if they decide yes, he will schedule my surgery as soon as possible, giving me first dibbs. He said I would just start the preop diet from the time they say yes till the surgery, so it probably won't be the full 14 days.

So let the waiting game commence....and my fingers & toes are crossed, and I am praying like crazy for the answer to be yes!

waiting for possibly 10 days...

I am writing in blue....because I am so blue...

My Dr spoke with the insurance company yesterday, and is going through an appeal process. He is appealing their decision to deny paying for my surgery. He has my policy where it clearly states if my BMI is over 40 I don't have to have co-morbidities. My insurance company Dr that denied my claim said even though my BMI is over 40, since I don't have any co-morbidities and I am healthy, they are not going to pay for the surgery.

I have been so bummed. I basically went off the pre-op surgery was scheduled for next Thursday, it's not looking like that will happen now. The insurance company told the Dr they would decide in 10 days. I already had everything lined up at work with my days off...also, lets just pretend like my insurance company will decide yes they will pay, I will have to have another EKG, blood work, chest xray & physical because by then mine will be over 30 days old and all that has to be within 30 days of surgery...which will be a ton more $ out of my pocket..which I don't have...

I am blue....bummed.....sad.....depressed.....down in the dumps.

Friday, September 11, 2009

Here we go again! Stop the merry go round, I want off!

Uugghh...I am so frustrated!!

I had my pre op appt today and everything was going hunky dory, the Dr answered all my questions, they took my picture, gave me all my instructions, then the last part of the appt, I had to go see the person who bills the insurance. Now in May of this year, I called my insurance company and got everything done that I needed to so they would pay 90% of my surgery. Well, the Dr walks in and says we have run into a little snag, your insurance is fighting paying for you having the surgery, they said because you don't have any co-morbidities. Well...right in my paperwork from my insurance company it said if your bmi is over 40 they will pay without co-morbidities , and mine is over 40. The Dr is going to call them on Monday and fight it for me....why oh why is all this happening? I walked out of there in tears...I can't afford the surgery if my insurance won't pay for it......this totally sucks.

mmmmm.......mushie foodl..not! I need some advice please

Ok, I am reading through my binder for what I need to eat during my "mushie" stage....and I have to admitt it really sounds gross. Did you guys really blend your meats? What did you eat during your mushie stage? My binder says day of surgery clear liquids. Next 3 days, full liquids. Next 7 days, mushies, and the examples they give is ground chicken with gravy blended...and stuff like that. After 7 days of mushies, it's 7 days of soft food....did you guys eat the mushies? What did you eat? I am really not thrilled with the thought of blending my food....

any advice? suggestions? help?

Thursday, September 10, 2009

2 weeks from today!

I am on day 2 of my pre-operation diet.
Things are going pretty good, I am getting headaches from no caffeine, but other than that plugging along ok. I don't really like the taste of the shake stuff I tastes chalky..but I am thinking they probably all taste that way. I am curious, what kinds did you guys use? What is the name brand? and flavor? I plan on taking some before pictures tonight, and hopefully I can get them posted soon. I also want to take my measurements, well I don't really "want" to, but know that I should. LOL. Measuring yourself can be a humbling experience.
I can't believe 2 weeks from today is my surgery date. I have waited all summer long for this day to arrive, and now it's coming so quickly! I am ready tho!

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

a funeral...of sorts

This morning I really enjoyed drinking my last cup of coffee....well at least for several weeks it is. I start my 2 week pre-op diet tomorrow.
I also will be drinking my last diet pepsi today....and that is what I will miss the most. I can't believe I will never again be able to drink pop...unless I have the band removed after losing weight. It will be really hard to give up my diet pepsi, it is my favorite drink of all time.
So even though I am excited & pumped for my surgery...I am also sad to be saying goodbye to my pop. LOL.

I start my diet tomorrow. I went shopping last night and got my chewable vitamins, my calcium chewables, my whey protein drink stuff, a blender and my groceries. I get a shake & fruit for breakfast, a shake and salad for lunch, a shake for a snack, and a small healthy supper. How much weight did you guys lose on your pre-op diet? Just curious....

Friday, September 4, 2009

I am doing a happy dance...wiggle wiggle jiggle jiggle :)

I FINALLY got the results of my stress test....and my heart is 100% normal. The cardiologist said all my tests came out normal with absolutely no concerns!!!!

This has been a very long, stressful week...but it has a good ending!

So, in less than 3 weeks LapBand Surgery HERE I COME! Finally!

My surgery date is 8-24-09. I start my two week pre-op diet on Wed 9-9, and on 9-23 I can't eat anything.

My pre-op diet looks like this:

Breakfast: shake & piece of fruit

Snack: shake

Lunch: Shake & salad (no high carb veggies or croutons) with Fat free dressing

Snack: shake

Supper: 3 oz protein, 1 cup of veggie & a serving of starch item

If anyone reads this, please tell me if this looked or looks like your preop diet? I am just's more food than I thought I would be having...

I am so excited, and so ready to get this show on the road!

So above are a couple pics of me (and my amazing hubby), I am going to take some "before" shots and post on here soon

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Lift your left breast please???

Well, I am back from my lovely 4.5 hour stay at the cardiac unit in my hospital. What an experience....
First they question why I am even there. I have no symptoms or signs of any heart issues, bloodwork all ok, blood pressure fine, I had to explain several times that a Dr at my checkup saw a small "blip" on my ekg and wanted it checked out...
So, they pump my veins full of radioactive junk and I had to lay still for an hour. Then I had to go get pictures of my heart taken, which involved laying in this big MRI type looking thing and have this thing go all the way around me taking pictures for 15 min. The room was ice cold and I had to lay still. Then after that, they hooked me up to get EKG and this male technician puts leads all over my chest & lower and ugh (humiliation) asks me to "lift my left breast" so he could put a lead there....I had to wear a sports bra there with no hooks on it, so "they" were hanging lower then I like, lol...and it was not a pleasant experience to be asked to do anyway, that part gets all done and he does reading and I asked him if there was a blip. He said no, I walked on the treadmill for 9 min where they continuously checked my bp & my heart rate. The Dr was in there and he also said he didn't see any "blips" but then they said the pictures they take will tell the true story. So after that had another shot of radioactive stuff, layed still for 1.5 hours and then had more pictures taken. They said the pictures at the end turned out good, but they wouldn't tell me results. Then they said the pictures taken before while in my resting state didn't turn out so well, and it is probably because of I have "big boobs", so if the Dr doesn't like them I may have to come in and have more taken. But hopefully with the EKG, and the after pictures, they will have enough data to tell me that I don't have heart issues. The tech & Dr both said they didn't see anything that concerned them. The tech went further and said he is not a betting man, but he would bet I have no heart issues and the Dr just didn't know how to read my prior ekg or was overly cautious. So, I feel better now...but just wish I wouldnt have to wait so long for my results. I want to know today. But the soonest I will hear is Wed afternoon, and if I have to go back in for more pictures, it will be even longer.

Monday, August 31, 2009

4 hours?

I got my letter in the mail with my instructions for my stress test tomorrow. I have to be there at 730, my testing starts at 8. I am not supposed to have chocolate or caffeine today according to my paperwork, but the hospital called me today to confirm my appt & I asked about those instructions and they told me I could have caffeine today for the type of test that I am having done. I skipped my coffee this morning (ugh!) but around 11 I had a diet pepsi. I am going to try to have no more today, I don't want anything to mess this test up. As of midnight I can't have anything to eat or drink.
I heard back today that my bloodwork all came back normal. My chest xray showed my lungs as clear, and my heart as normal. So the only thing they are waiting for is a good stress test result & then my surgery is a go!
My test is going to last 4 HOURS tomorrow. That is crazy! I'll only be walking on the treadmill for 10 min of that time, the rest is getting the radioactive stuff moved from my veins to my heart, and getting pictures of my heart taken. I am going to bring some books & my ipod for sure. I know I will drive myself crazy being there for that long. I am glad I took the whole day off of work, I will be in no condition to work after that...until I hear the results which will be Wed or Thurday, I am going to be stressed.
So, praying that tomorrow goes well, and that there are no heart issues.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Not so long of a wait now...

I called the hospital & asked them very sweetly if they had any earlier openings for my stress test than next Friday. And yep, they did! They actually had a few...which is making me wonder if that stupid Dr is so concerned, why wouldn't he have made my appt sooner than next Friday?? Things that make you go hmmmmm....

So anyway, I check in at 7:30, have the stress test at 8, and I should have the results by Wed. I am not as scared or concerned as I was, I have been researching it on the internet & I have no syptoms of heart problems. Not one. I know you can still have something without symptoms...but I have a good feeling about this test. I think this Dr is just being overly cautious. My husband is not worried at all, he said he knows there is nothing wrong with my heart. Course he is probably just trying to stay positive around me, cuz I am worrying enough for both of us.

I am just keeping as positive as I can, and still planning on having my surgery in a few weeks.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I don't have much of a choice, I have to know....

My stress test is next Friday, I have to be at the hospital at 7:30am, and my procedure will start at 8am. I can't eat or drink nothing start at midnight the day before.

I really contemplated just giving up the lapband and telling that stupid dr to shove his test...but after bawling on my hubbys chest last night for an hour, and hearing him say I need to think of him & our girls, and that if by some small chance there is something wrong with my heart, shouldn't I get help for it before it gets worse......seeing it from that perspective really made me evaluate my thinking. I am doing the lapband to get healthy...and if there is something wrong with my heart, then I need to find out and do something about it.

Do I think this Dr is being a jerk? YES! Do I think he is being overly cautious? YES! Can I keep on living my life without finding out for sure if there is something wrong with my heart? no....I would always wonder in the back of my head.....

So, it's going to be a long week till next friday, and then I won't find out the results until the following Tuesday which will really suck....but I have to do this. I have to find out. And if there is nothing wrong, which I am hoping and praying for, what will I do to that Dr? Hmm...I'm having fun thinking about that one....any suggestions??

So my goal is to make it through this week without stressing myself out anymore. I will continue on getting ready for the surgery, and pray that this is all nothing. I meet with my nutrionist for my 2nd appt next week to get a copy of my presurgery liquid diet. I will keep moving forward, and really try to keep my chin up, my faith in action, my tears and worries at bay. I know God is in control, and the opposite of faith is fear, so I will walk in faith.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

2nd day of horrible experiences at the Dr

Well, I went in for my 2nd EKG today, and again the small "blip" appeared. The Dr walked in and said well, you don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, no immediate family heart issues, so I can either just let you go through with the surgery knowing fairly well there is most likely nothing wrong with you. Or I can make you do a stress test. He said the decision is between you & I. He again asked me my history, about my previous surgeries, etc..and again said everything sounds good, everything checks out that you are healthy and then sat there and looked me in the eye and said I am still going to not give my clearance for the surgery unless you do the stress test. I was bawling by this time, snott dripping, eyes leaking, the whole 9 yards. So...if I want to proceed with the surgery, I have to take another day off of work, spend more $, have myself injected with radioactive stuff in my veins, work out on a treadmill & have pictures taken of my heart. I am so FRUSTRATED! plus now I am scared, what if there is something wrong with my heart???? I don't know what I am going to do....

horrible dr experience...praying my surgery is still a go!

I am beyond upset, frustrated, and scared.
My family moved to Colorado in February. I picked out a family Dr, but haven't needed to see one yet. I met with the Dr that is going to do my lapband surgery and was told I would need to see my regular dr to get bloodwork, ekg & xray. I made my appt and patiently waited. Yesterday morning my Dr's office called, my Dr was sick so I had to see another Dr. I got there, he walked in and one of the first things he said was "I don't really think you should be seeing me to get clearance for a surgery, I don't know you, I don't know your medical history, you need to see your regular Dr". He was so rude! I explained my situation, that I moved from Mn to Co in February, blah blah....and he acted like that didn't matter. Then he asked me what type of surgery I was having and I told him lapband (my lapband surgeon works in the same office as this dr) and then he got even ruder. He continued with my exam, my heart rate was high...well duh, I was nervous, he was being rude. He said your heart rate is very high..that needs to go down or im not approving you. well, on 2nd check it went down. Then he did the ekg, he said it looked fine except for one little blip but that should be nothing. Then all the sudden he did an about face, he said call your dr from the state you from, see if they have an ekg report i can compare this one too. I don't have any history of heart problems in me or my immediate family. I am healthy excepte for being fat. I called my old Dr's office, no EKG on record. They said I have never needed one. So now I don't know what's going to happen. I asked that stupid Dr what if they didn't have one to send, and he really wouldn't answer except to say "we'll see". I called his office yesterday and left message. I called back today and left message. Still haven't heard anything. So, I don't know what to think....if this stops my surgery, I am gonna flip! Oh and get this, that stupid rude dr must not like or believe in lapband because he also told me, you know they did this surgery on an administrative person that is working at the hospital and they haven't lost any weight, the surgery didn't work for them! I really don't want to jump to the conclusion that he is doing this to me so I can't have the surgery..but I am getting that feeling.

My surgery has already been scheduled. I have passed every other thing except this....I am at a loss here and don't know what to think....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

called in sick?????????

Today is my appt with my normal Dr for bloodwork, examine my lungs, ekg & all that good stuff to get clearance for my surgery. My appt has been set for 3 months now...I picked a female Dr that came highly we have only lived here for a few months, this will be the first time I have met the Dr I picked I was told my appt would be extensive...and first thing this morning I get a call saying my dr called in sick and would it be ok if I saw another dr, a male dr, in her practice...and if I couldn't or didn't want to I wouldnt be able to get in with my dr till the end of sept, and that is when my surgery is scheduled. So,..of course I have to say yes. I am already freaking nervous for this appt, and now to have to see a guy for this "extensive" appt. This is my last hurdle to jump before my surgery. I passed my physical therapist appt. I passed my nutrionist appt, I passed my psycholgical appt...all thats left is to get clearance from my dr for surgery...and I am nervous. I don't really know what to expect today, what all they will be checking or doing....I'm pretty healthy but I haven't had a real full checkup in forever, I usually only go to the dr if I'm sick...I don't like Dr's....I hope today goes quickly and good. I hope they don;t find something that stops this surgery from happening. I want it so bad!

Monday, August 24, 2009

get to know me

Since I am so new...thought maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself.

I have two daughters and I am married. I was born & raised in IL. In Nov 07 we moved to Minnesota & in Feb 09 we moved to Colorado...and we will be here forever I hope, I love it here!

I am very outgoing, very much a people person, and love to laugh, sing songs very loudly, and tease people. I love my husband, and think he is amazing.

My husband is the full time youth pastor at a church here in Colorado, and that is why we moved here. I help out in youth ministry and love it. I love hanging out with teens, and helping them thru things and doing the all night movie nights, sleepovers, bowling, etc. We are very involved in our church and my relationship with God is very important to me...I hate religion, so I don't want anyone to think I am a religious person, religion to me is a bunch of rules and requirements...I believe it's about a relationship with God.

I hate to exercise...once I get up and start, I'm fine & usually enjoy it, but getting myself to do it, is another story.

My favorite color is purple. I love salty food...and chocolate. I love to read and watch movies, I like to shop, tho lately I haven't done much of it because I get so depressed on my size & struggle to find things that fit looks good on the hangers, and not so good on me. I love hanging out in cool coffee shops.

I was a cheerleader, I didn't really let my size stop me from too much in high school.

Our family loves to camp, hike, play games, watch movies and laugh. We enjoy eating out, going to the zoo and stuff like that.

I have my nose pierced, I have a small silver hoop in it now. I want a couple of tattoos...hoping to do that soon. I love my music loud & rocking! I love going to concerts! I don't ever want to grow old at heart! I try to dress current...but $ & size holds me back quite a bit in that area. When my hubby left his full time good paying sales position to pursure full time ministry, that affected our pay quite a bit and for 15 months while in Minnesota to get his internship time in he didn't get paid, so we had to just live off my salary and we are still trying to catch up financilly from that.

I am getting 'banded' in September. I am excited and feel hope for the 1st time in a long time. I am doing this to get healthy. to feel good about myself. To gain myself back, my self confidence & my personality. I have been hiding for far too long. As a pastors wife I am in front often, people watch me, and I am self councious all the time now. I want to be a good example.

so...that's me :)

Friday, August 21, 2009

5 weeks from today

5 weeks from today and I will be home recovering from my lapband surgery. I am excited, nervous, and truth be told a little scared. But I am moving forward and am not looking back. My Dr's office called today to confirm all my upcoming appointments & surgery date....all is a go!

So, to get myself prepared I will be giving up my coffee starting Monday, thats going to be really hard, I love my coffee! But I know I have to give it up, at least for awhile, so going to start now. The following Monday I will give up my pop. That will be even harder, I LOVE diet pepsi, it's my crutch. Giving that up will be really hard...but I can do it, I will just keep my eyes on the goal! I am going to start looking this weekend for good protein drinks/powder and get those purchased. I am not sure what I will do about clothes, I don't have that many to begin with, but as I start losing I will have none, but we will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Well, it's back to work I go.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

watch out world, here I come!

Ok, now that I have decided & I am moving are my hopes and goals...

The obvious of course is losing weight...I would like to lose at least 100lbs, which is ALOT!

I want to gain energy. Self confidence. New wardrobe, one that doesn't "hide" me, but rather announces me. An improved self image. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to sit in a booth comfortably. I want to wear a swimsuit again without constantly worrying about how I look. I want to love to have my picture taken. I want to ride rollercoasters without worrying if I will fit.

Now, to accomplish those and the many more I didn't mention.....I will have the surgery. I will stick to the liquid & mushy diet. I will chew slowly, make wise choices and exercise. I want this bad enough. I am sick & tired of being sick & tired! I will stop the negative talk that I do to myself all day every day. I will make me a priority for the first time in a long time and I will do this! Watch out world, here I come!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am DONE being a wimp!

I am done being a wimp.
I am having this surgery. I will not back down. I know this is the best decision I can make for me. I am moving forward and will not look back. I have to believe in myself. I am not healthy, I am sick of huffing & puffing, sick of shopping in the fat clothes section, sick of avoiding the camera, sick of my reflection, sick of hiding...I'm done. I will work this band & I will succeed. My EKG & bloodwork is 8-26th, my 2nd appt with dietician is 9-3, my presurgical appt is 9-11 & my surgery is 9-24. I am doing this!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Decisions...I hate making them!

I hate making decisions...I think that is one of the things I miss the most from my childhood is the fact people made most of my decisions for me. Of course at the time, I thought it sucked that I couldn't make my own, but now, I wish sometimes that someone would make them for me.

I thought for sure lapband is what I wanted. I have researched it, studied it, read about it, prayed about it...and now that it's getting closer & closer I am freaking out. I am scared it won't work. I am scared I will fail. I am scared about the side effects....I keep coming back to the one side effect, hair loss.Do I want to stay fat & have hair...or lose weight & lose my hair? Does it grow back the same? Will I for sure lose it? It seems like every blog I read of people who have had the surgery say they lose their hair....

I keep going back to my list of Pro's/Con's for the surgery...the Pro's always seem to outweigh and win...till my eyes focus on the con of hair loss......

I hate decisions! what if I make the wrong one....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My journey

I am starting this for various reasons...but mostly for accountability.
I am really struggling with my weight...and am pursuing having lapband surgery. I have a surgery date, have done my pysch evaluation, met with the Dr...all I have left to do is my bloodwork & ekg. My surgery is set for the end of September...and the closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. I am afraid of my hair falling out. I am afraid it won't work for me. I want it to work so bad. We are youth pastors, and hanging out with teens and trying to make a difference....and it bothers me that I look like this, and lack the energy I need to do the things they do. This is our dream job...and my husband worked very hard to get here, working full time, going to school full time and volunteering at our church to gain experience...all of this to lead to this moment, his first full time paid position as youth pastor....and look at me....I am worried about how I look and what they are thinking when they see me. And the whole aspect of being a pastors wife...the pressure of people looking at me, and watching what I do...the expectations...I want to portray the image I see in my mind of myself...not the one starring out at me from the mirror. I wanted this surgery so bad a month ago..I felt it would assist me in making a new without the constant hunger, one in control, with immediate results of a moving scale....but now I am really starting to get scared....what if I fail at this like everything else. What if my already thin hair starts falling out....I am constantly out in front of people, that would be the worst....I am confused and really not sure if I should go through with it or not...