Thursday, August 13, 2009

My journey

I am starting this for various reasons...but mostly for accountability.
I am really struggling with my weight...and am pursuing having lapband surgery. I have a surgery date, have done my pysch evaluation, met with the Dr...all I have left to do is my bloodwork & ekg. My surgery is set for the end of September...and the closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. I am afraid of my hair falling out. I am afraid it won't work for me. I want it to work so bad. We are youth pastors, and hanging out with teens and trying to make a difference....and it bothers me that I look like this, and lack the energy I need to do the things they do. This is our dream job...and my husband worked very hard to get here, working full time, going to school full time and volunteering at our church to gain experience...all of this to lead to this moment, his first full time paid position as youth pastor....and look at me....I am worried about how I look and what they are thinking when they see me. And the whole aspect of being a pastors wife...the pressure of people looking at me, and watching what I do...the expectations...I want to portray the image I see in my mind of myself...not the one starring out at me from the mirror. I wanted this surgery so bad a month ago..I felt it would assist me in making a new without the constant hunger, one in control, with immediate results of a moving scale....but now I am really starting to get scared....what if I fail at this like everything else. What if my already thin hair starts falling out....I am constantly out in front of people, that would be the worst....I am confused and really not sure if I should go through with it or not...

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