Monday, August 31, 2009

4 hours?

I got my letter in the mail with my instructions for my stress test tomorrow. I have to be there at 730, my testing starts at 8. I am not supposed to have chocolate or caffeine today according to my paperwork, but the hospital called me today to confirm my appt & I asked about those instructions and they told me I could have caffeine today for the type of test that I am having done. I skipped my coffee this morning (ugh!) but around 11 I had a diet pepsi. I am going to try to have no more today, I don't want anything to mess this test up. As of midnight I can't have anything to eat or drink.
I heard back today that my bloodwork all came back normal. My chest xray showed my lungs as clear, and my heart as normal. So the only thing they are waiting for is a good stress test result & then my surgery is a go!
My test is going to last 4 HOURS tomorrow. That is crazy! I'll only be walking on the treadmill for 10 min of that time, the rest is getting the radioactive stuff moved from my veins to my heart, and getting pictures of my heart taken. I am going to bring some books & my ipod for sure. I know I will drive myself crazy being there for that long. I am glad I took the whole day off of work, I will be in no condition to work after that...until I hear the results which will be Wed or Thurday, I am going to be stressed.
So, praying that tomorrow goes well, and that there are no heart issues.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Not so long of a wait now...

I called the hospital & asked them very sweetly if they had any earlier openings for my stress test than next Friday. And yep, they did! They actually had a few...which is making me wonder if that stupid Dr is so concerned, why wouldn't he have made my appt sooner than next Friday?? Things that make you go hmmmmm....

So anyway, I check in at 7:30, have the stress test at 8, and I should have the results by Wed. I am not as scared or concerned as I was, I have been researching it on the internet & I have no syptoms of heart problems. Not one. I know you can still have something without symptoms...but I have a good feeling about this test. I think this Dr is just being overly cautious. My husband is not worried at all, he said he knows there is nothing wrong with my heart. Course he is probably just trying to stay positive around me, cuz I am worrying enough for both of us.

I am just keeping as positive as I can, and still planning on having my surgery in a few weeks.

Friday, August 28, 2009

I don't have much of a choice, I have to know....

My stress test is next Friday, I have to be at the hospital at 7:30am, and my procedure will start at 8am. I can't eat or drink nothing start at midnight the day before.

I really contemplated just giving up the lapband and telling that stupid dr to shove his test...but after bawling on my hubbys chest last night for an hour, and hearing him say I need to think of him & our girls, and that if by some small chance there is something wrong with my heart, shouldn't I get help for it before it gets worse......seeing it from that perspective really made me evaluate my thinking. I am doing the lapband to get healthy...and if there is something wrong with my heart, then I need to find out and do something about it.

Do I think this Dr is being a jerk? YES! Do I think he is being overly cautious? YES! Can I keep on living my life without finding out for sure if there is something wrong with my heart? no....I would always wonder in the back of my head.....

So, it's going to be a long week till next friday, and then I won't find out the results until the following Tuesday which will really suck....but I have to do this. I have to find out. And if there is nothing wrong, which I am hoping and praying for, what will I do to that Dr? Hmm...I'm having fun thinking about that one....any suggestions??

So my goal is to make it through this week without stressing myself out anymore. I will continue on getting ready for the surgery, and pray that this is all nothing. I meet with my nutrionist for my 2nd appt next week to get a copy of my presurgery liquid diet. I will keep moving forward, and really try to keep my chin up, my faith in action, my tears and worries at bay. I know God is in control, and the opposite of faith is fear, so I will walk in faith.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

2nd day of horrible experiences at the Dr

Well, I went in for my 2nd EKG today, and again the small "blip" appeared. The Dr walked in and said well, you don't have diabetes, high blood pressure, no immediate family heart issues, so I can either just let you go through with the surgery knowing fairly well there is most likely nothing wrong with you. Or I can make you do a stress test. He said the decision is between you & I. He again asked me my history, about my previous surgeries, etc..and again said everything sounds good, everything checks out that you are healthy and then sat there and looked me in the eye and said I am still going to not give my clearance for the surgery unless you do the stress test. I was bawling by this time, snott dripping, eyes leaking, the whole 9 yards. So...if I want to proceed with the surgery, I have to take another day off of work, spend more $, have myself injected with radioactive stuff in my veins, work out on a treadmill & have pictures taken of my heart. I am so FRUSTRATED! plus now I am scared, what if there is something wrong with my heart???? I don't know what I am going to do....

horrible dr experience...praying my surgery is still a go!

I am beyond upset, frustrated, and scared.
My family moved to Colorado in February. I picked out a family Dr, but haven't needed to see one yet. I met with the Dr that is going to do my lapband surgery and was told I would need to see my regular dr to get bloodwork, ekg & xray. I made my appt and patiently waited. Yesterday morning my Dr's office called, my Dr was sick so I had to see another Dr. I got there, he walked in and one of the first things he said was "I don't really think you should be seeing me to get clearance for a surgery, I don't know you, I don't know your medical history, you need to see your regular Dr". He was so rude! I explained my situation, that I moved from Mn to Co in February, blah blah....and he acted like that didn't matter. Then he asked me what type of surgery I was having and I told him lapband (my lapband surgeon works in the same office as this dr) and then he got even ruder. He continued with my exam, my heart rate was high...well duh, I was nervous, he was being rude. He said your heart rate is very high..that needs to go down or im not approving you. well, on 2nd check it went down. Then he did the ekg, he said it looked fine except for one little blip but that should be nothing. Then all the sudden he did an about face, he said call your dr from the state you from, see if they have an ekg report i can compare this one too. I don't have any history of heart problems in me or my immediate family. I am healthy excepte for being fat. I called my old Dr's office, no EKG on record. They said I have never needed one. So now I don't know what's going to happen. I asked that stupid Dr what if they didn't have one to send, and he really wouldn't answer except to say "we'll see". I called his office yesterday and left message. I called back today and left message. Still haven't heard anything. So, I don't know what to think....if this stops my surgery, I am gonna flip! Oh and get this, that stupid rude dr must not like or believe in lapband because he also told me, you know they did this surgery on an administrative person that is working at the hospital and they haven't lost any weight, the surgery didn't work for them! I really don't want to jump to the conclusion that he is doing this to me so I can't have the surgery..but I am getting that feeling.

My surgery has already been scheduled. I have passed every other thing except this....I am at a loss here and don't know what to think....

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

called in sick?????????

Today is my appt with my normal Dr for bloodwork, examine my lungs, ekg & all that good stuff to get clearance for my surgery. My appt has been set for 3 months now...I picked a female Dr that came highly we have only lived here for a few months, this will be the first time I have met the Dr I picked I was told my appt would be extensive...and first thing this morning I get a call saying my dr called in sick and would it be ok if I saw another dr, a male dr, in her practice...and if I couldn't or didn't want to I wouldnt be able to get in with my dr till the end of sept, and that is when my surgery is scheduled. So,..of course I have to say yes. I am already freaking nervous for this appt, and now to have to see a guy for this "extensive" appt. This is my last hurdle to jump before my surgery. I passed my physical therapist appt. I passed my nutrionist appt, I passed my psycholgical appt...all thats left is to get clearance from my dr for surgery...and I am nervous. I don't really know what to expect today, what all they will be checking or doing....I'm pretty healthy but I haven't had a real full checkup in forever, I usually only go to the dr if I'm sick...I don't like Dr's....I hope today goes quickly and good. I hope they don;t find something that stops this surgery from happening. I want it so bad!

Monday, August 24, 2009

get to know me

Since I am so new...thought maybe I should tell you a little bit about myself.

I have two daughters and I am married. I was born & raised in IL. In Nov 07 we moved to Minnesota & in Feb 09 we moved to Colorado...and we will be here forever I hope, I love it here!

I am very outgoing, very much a people person, and love to laugh, sing songs very loudly, and tease people. I love my husband, and think he is amazing.

My husband is the full time youth pastor at a church here in Colorado, and that is why we moved here. I help out in youth ministry and love it. I love hanging out with teens, and helping them thru things and doing the all night movie nights, sleepovers, bowling, etc. We are very involved in our church and my relationship with God is very important to me...I hate religion, so I don't want anyone to think I am a religious person, religion to me is a bunch of rules and requirements...I believe it's about a relationship with God.

I hate to exercise...once I get up and start, I'm fine & usually enjoy it, but getting myself to do it, is another story.

My favorite color is purple. I love salty food...and chocolate. I love to read and watch movies, I like to shop, tho lately I haven't done much of it because I get so depressed on my size & struggle to find things that fit looks good on the hangers, and not so good on me. I love hanging out in cool coffee shops.

I was a cheerleader, I didn't really let my size stop me from too much in high school.

Our family loves to camp, hike, play games, watch movies and laugh. We enjoy eating out, going to the zoo and stuff like that.

I have my nose pierced, I have a small silver hoop in it now. I want a couple of tattoos...hoping to do that soon. I love my music loud & rocking! I love going to concerts! I don't ever want to grow old at heart! I try to dress current...but $ & size holds me back quite a bit in that area. When my hubby left his full time good paying sales position to pursure full time ministry, that affected our pay quite a bit and for 15 months while in Minnesota to get his internship time in he didn't get paid, so we had to just live off my salary and we are still trying to catch up financilly from that.

I am getting 'banded' in September. I am excited and feel hope for the 1st time in a long time. I am doing this to get healthy. to feel good about myself. To gain myself back, my self confidence & my personality. I have been hiding for far too long. As a pastors wife I am in front often, people watch me, and I am self councious all the time now. I want to be a good example.

so...that's me :)

Friday, August 21, 2009

5 weeks from today

5 weeks from today and I will be home recovering from my lapband surgery. I am excited, nervous, and truth be told a little scared. But I am moving forward and am not looking back. My Dr's office called today to confirm all my upcoming appointments & surgery date....all is a go!

So, to get myself prepared I will be giving up my coffee starting Monday, thats going to be really hard, I love my coffee! But I know I have to give it up, at least for awhile, so going to start now. The following Monday I will give up my pop. That will be even harder, I LOVE diet pepsi, it's my crutch. Giving that up will be really hard...but I can do it, I will just keep my eyes on the goal! I am going to start looking this weekend for good protein drinks/powder and get those purchased. I am not sure what I will do about clothes, I don't have that many to begin with, but as I start losing I will have none, but we will cross that bridge when I get to it.

Well, it's back to work I go.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

watch out world, here I come!

Ok, now that I have decided & I am moving are my hopes and goals...

The obvious of course is losing weight...I would like to lose at least 100lbs, which is ALOT!

I want to gain energy. Self confidence. New wardrobe, one that doesn't "hide" me, but rather announces me. An improved self image. I want to be able to cross my legs. I want to sit in a booth comfortably. I want to wear a swimsuit again without constantly worrying about how I look. I want to love to have my picture taken. I want to ride rollercoasters without worrying if I will fit.

Now, to accomplish those and the many more I didn't mention.....I will have the surgery. I will stick to the liquid & mushy diet. I will chew slowly, make wise choices and exercise. I want this bad enough. I am sick & tired of being sick & tired! I will stop the negative talk that I do to myself all day every day. I will make me a priority for the first time in a long time and I will do this! Watch out world, here I come!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I am DONE being a wimp!

I am done being a wimp.
I am having this surgery. I will not back down. I know this is the best decision I can make for me. I am moving forward and will not look back. I have to believe in myself. I am not healthy, I am sick of huffing & puffing, sick of shopping in the fat clothes section, sick of avoiding the camera, sick of my reflection, sick of hiding...I'm done. I will work this band & I will succeed. My EKG & bloodwork is 8-26th, my 2nd appt with dietician is 9-3, my presurgical appt is 9-11 & my surgery is 9-24. I am doing this!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Decisions...I hate making them!

I hate making decisions...I think that is one of the things I miss the most from my childhood is the fact people made most of my decisions for me. Of course at the time, I thought it sucked that I couldn't make my own, but now, I wish sometimes that someone would make them for me.

I thought for sure lapband is what I wanted. I have researched it, studied it, read about it, prayed about it...and now that it's getting closer & closer I am freaking out. I am scared it won't work. I am scared I will fail. I am scared about the side effects....I keep coming back to the one side effect, hair loss.Do I want to stay fat & have hair...or lose weight & lose my hair? Does it grow back the same? Will I for sure lose it? It seems like every blog I read of people who have had the surgery say they lose their hair....

I keep going back to my list of Pro's/Con's for the surgery...the Pro's always seem to outweigh and win...till my eyes focus on the con of hair loss......

I hate decisions! what if I make the wrong one....

Thursday, August 13, 2009

My journey

I am starting this for various reasons...but mostly for accountability.
I am really struggling with my weight...and am pursuing having lapband surgery. I have a surgery date, have done my pysch evaluation, met with the Dr...all I have left to do is my bloodwork & ekg. My surgery is set for the end of September...and the closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. I am afraid of my hair falling out. I am afraid it won't work for me. I want it to work so bad. We are youth pastors, and hanging out with teens and trying to make a difference....and it bothers me that I look like this, and lack the energy I need to do the things they do. This is our dream job...and my husband worked very hard to get here, working full time, going to school full time and volunteering at our church to gain experience...all of this to lead to this moment, his first full time paid position as youth pastor....and look at me....I am worried about how I look and what they are thinking when they see me. And the whole aspect of being a pastors wife...the pressure of people looking at me, and watching what I do...the expectations...I want to portray the image I see in my mind of myself...not the one starring out at me from the mirror. I wanted this surgery so bad a month ago..I felt it would assist me in making a new without the constant hunger, one in control, with immediate results of a moving scale....but now I am really starting to get scared....what if I fail at this like everything else. What if my already thin hair starts falling out....I am constantly out in front of people, that would be the worst....I am confused and really not sure if I should go through with it or not...