Friday, April 9, 2010

Random Friday Rantings....changing the outside=inside changing?

I am kinda in a funk...this post may not make much sense, but just got some stuff I need to unload...and here I go in no particular order.

First off, scale wise...why oh why is my scale again taking forever to move. I am .5 away from 60 down...and have been there for like a week now...ugh, I tell you, it's sooo frustrating when you are doing everything right and that stupid scale just won't move!!!

I have been working out on avg 5x a week. I bought Jillian Michaels Shred dvd and usually do that workout 2x a week, and then do zumba the rest of the time. For the last 2 days I have progressed to Day 2 on the Shred DVD...that thing kicks my butt. It is an intense workout..but I love it!! I feel strong when I push myself to keep going...I can't believe how much I love to work out now..when before I hated it.

I feel myself changing...on the inside, as I am changing my outside. It's kind of scary...does anyone feel/experience this? I find myself more vocal. More intense. My moods are louder, if that makes sense. There are positive aspects to it, I am more confident...but I am usually such a people pleaser, and as I am losing weight, I am finding myself wanting to please me first...and that is totally not me. And at times it scares me. I have for so long always tried to please others, even if it meant doing things I didn't want to do, or changing things I didn't want to change...and lately my attitude has been, if you don't like it, I don't care. Oh my gosh, just typing that makes me feel guilty. These big mood swings..and changes in me....are really kind of freaking me out. I am afraid of who I am becoming...I don't want be a mean selfish person..but I do think I need to think of myself every once in awhile, I sure hope I can learn to balance all of this.

I am also finding myself evaluating things more as I lose more weight. I used to spend so much time consuming my thoughts with diets to try, counting calories, or stuffing my face, that I didn't have much time to think about anything else. and don't get me wrong, I still find myself thinking about how much I have eaten, did I workout, what will the scale show tomorrow...but it's becoming less consuming as time goes on...and I have free time to actually think about other things. Things I have stuffed deep and buried are starting to come out....and while this to can be a positive thing, it's also hard and painful. Things like the fact that I really hate my current job situation...while the job I have is not so bad, the fact that I have to work from home I hate. I am a people person...and I hate being in my home office all day every day alone. And since we have only lived here in Colorado for a year, and I am stuck at home, or working at the church, means I know no one here. I have no friends. and no real opportunity to get to know people either. Yes at the church I know people...but I can't really become friends with them, and share on a deep level, because of the position my husband holds at the church. I miss people. I miss having friends. I am really missing having a life....a normal life. I am really struggling lately with the fact that I am watched.....I never knew it would be like this. When I am out shopping, if I run into someone from the church, they are looking to see what is in my shopping cart, or how I deal with my kids in public....or how I am times it can just be such an overwhelming feeling....yesterday I cried all day long....

Well I want to end on a positive note. So, today is Friday! Thank God. I get off at 5, then get to spend the night at home with my family, and I am excited for that. I WILL get that .5 off this weekend, hit 60 lbs down, and start working towards my next goal of 70lbs down. For my reward when I hit 60lbs down I am treating myself to a tanning package...good bye white pasty skin :) Have a great weekend everyone!


  1. Susie - I know it's frustrating to hear this, but you are probably gaining muscle from all of the workout. It will level off if you keep doing the right things and you'll begin losing again. Of course this is all what I've heard...I only do the running thing three x's a week and am not doing any muscle workouts. I have to get into my shred dvd. This weekend I'm going to make a goal to get through it!

  2. I can totally relate to the this whole post. I felt as if I was reading my own personal feelings. I think on a positive note that it is good that we start thinking about ourselves. At some point we have to start loving ourselves and making life a little about us. You are doing great and look great to. Thanks for this post. It was really great.