I am kinda in a funk...this post may not make much sense, but just got some stuff I need to unload...and here I go in no particular order.
First off, scale wise...why oh why is my scale again taking forever to move. I am .5 away from 60 down...and have been there for like a week now...ugh, I tell you, it's sooo frustrating when you are doing everything right and that stupid scale just won't move!!!
I have been working out on avg 5x a week. I bought Jillian Michaels Shred dvd and usually do that workout 2x a week, and then do zumba the rest of the time. For the last 2 days I have progressed to Day 2 on the Shred DVD...that thing kicks my butt. It is an intense workout..but I love it!! I feel strong when I push myself to keep going...I can't believe how much I love to work out now..when before I hated it.
I feel myself changing...on the inside, as I am changing my outside. It's kind of scary...does anyone feel/experience this? I find myself more vocal. More intense. My moods are louder, if that makes sense. There are positive aspects to it, I am more confident...but I am usually such a people pleaser, and as I am losing weight, I am finding myself wanting to please me first...and that is totally not me. And at times it scares me. I have for so long always tried to please others, even if it meant doing things I didn't want to do, or changing things I didn't want to change...and lately my attitude has been, if you don't like it, I don't care. Oh my gosh, just typing that makes me feel guilty. These big mood swings..and changes in me....are really kind of freaking me out. I am afraid of who I am becoming...I don't want be a mean selfish person..but I do think I need to think of myself every once in awhile, I sure hope I can learn to balance all of this.
I am also finding myself evaluating things more as I lose more weight. I used to spend so much time consuming my thoughts with diets to try, counting calories, or stuffing my face, that I didn't have much time to think about anything else. and don't get me wrong, I still find myself thinking about how much I have eaten, did I workout, what will the scale show tomorrow...but it's becoming less consuming as time goes on...and I have free time to actually think about other things. Things I have stuffed deep and buried are starting to come out....and while this to can be a positive thing, it's also hard and painful. Things like the fact that I really hate my current job situation...while the job I have is not so bad, the fact that I have to work from home I hate. I am a people person...and I hate being in my home office all day every day alone. And since we have only lived here in Colorado for a year, and I am stuck at home, or working at the church, means I know no one here. I have no friends. and no real opportunity to get to know people either. Yes at the church I know people...but I can't really become friends with them, and share on a deep level, because of the position my husband holds at the church. I miss people. I miss having friends. I am really missing having a life....a normal life. I am really struggling lately with the fact that I am watched.....I never knew it would be like this. When I am out shopping, if I run into someone from the church, they are looking to see what is in my shopping cart, or how I deal with my kids in public....or how I am dressed.....at times it can just be such an overwhelming feeling....yesterday I cried all day long....
Well I want to end on a positive note. So, today is Friday! Thank God. I get off at 5, then get to spend the night at home with my family, and I am excited for that. I WILL get that .5 off this weekend, hit 60 lbs down, and start working towards my next goal of 70lbs down. For my reward when I hit 60lbs down I am treating myself to a tanning package...good bye white pasty skin :) Have a great weekend everyone!