It's Friday!

Life has still been hard lately...but I am really trying hard to keep a smile on my face and carry on.

One thing working great is I am working the band..and the band is working. I am down 2lbs so far this week just from following the band rules. I am drinking the water, eating healthy protein first with fruits and veggies and very little carbs. And I am working out. So hopefully I can lose 5 more to hit 168 by my anniversary which is my mini goal I set.

Jobs...ugh. I am sending out a few resumes/applications a day...and just not hearing anything. It is soooo frustrating. And so many places have it set up now that you can't even call to follow up on a job...just to get an interview somewhere is hard right now...and I am good in interviews, but I can't wow them if I don't even get my foot in the door for an interview. It is soooo frustrating. But what I think I am going to do is stop looking for now for me..and start helping my hubby to look. He has a job, and he likes it...but it's not something he wants to do forever and the pay is horrible! So if we can get him plugged into a job he can make better $ and have a future at, then I can look after he is getting benefits and then I can afford to take a pay cut to find something else...so thats the plan. Now I just have to convince myself to like my job again. ugh. Which will be hard because I hate it!

My plan for this weekend: To stay focused and on track! I do NOT want to cheat 1x this weekend...

Happy Friday!

a picture is worth a thousand words

My husband can carry me now. This picture helps me to realize how much I have lost...and how much I have gained.

The fat attack

As stated in my last blog...I am starting my fat attack.
I am done playing games...I am done settling for what I have lost so far.
I am NOT going to accept myself at this weight.
I am kicking it up a notch to get the rest of my weight off.
I want to be driven like I was when I first got banded...and it starts today!
My plan for this week:
5 days this week I will work out for 60 min doing cardio.
Every day I will drink 100oz of water minimum.
I will eat high protein (healthy protein) with lots of fruits and veggies. and no bread, potatoes or rice or pasta.
My short term goal, 168 by May 14th my anniversary, which will put me at 110lbs lost.
My long term goal, 155 by July 4th.

Listen up fat....I have HAD it with you!

Ok Weight...pay attention.
I have worked soooo hard to lose you...and up until December 2010 you responded by going away...but since Dec you are sticking around and I HAVE HAD IT!
I have been bouncing between 169.5 and 175 since the end of December and it stops TODAY!
I am done playing these games with you...I don't like you and I want you gone. You hear me?
I am NOT content to remain at this weight....and I will fight, kick, scream, shove, hit and punch until I am at my goal weight...
I am making a short term goal. My wedding anniversary is May 14th. I want to weigh in at 168 by then.
I will drink 100oz of water a day.
I will work out 45 min or more 5 days a week.
No more BLT's (bites, licks and tastes) because those add up.
I will eat high protein/low carb...no sweets or processed foods.
No more excuses. No more "free weekends".
I have NOT come this far to give up now.
I can do this. I WILL do this.
Who is with me?????

Feeling better after a great weekend

I had a great weekend... I got some quality time in with my hubby...which always helps me and my perspective. When we are together all weekend...my blues go away. I am always the happiest when we are together. He makes me laugh..he makes me look at things from different angles and it all makes sense... We got some great quality time in this weekend...and also some great quality time with our girls. We got our living room painted and the colors look amazing...we painted our ceiling Almond Cream, one wall Breakfast Blend which is the color of milk chocolate..and the other three walls Midnight Dream...which is a dark deep blue..and the room looks totally different and looks amazing! I will post some pictures soon. So...during some of this quality time we made some plans for me..plans to help me get some hope for my job perspective....nothing I can share quite yet..but things could hopefully be changing soon for me for the better....My fingers and toes are crossed about this possibility... I am going to have a better week this week! I am going to try my hardest! Time to shake these blues, be thankful for the blessings I have and time to quit the negative self talk! Lets all have a great Monday!

I am fighting to hold on

I can keep doing this...
One step at a time...
Dry those tears and put a smile on your face...
Fake it till it's real...

These are the sayings running thru my head 24/7...

I am down on myself because I failed the assessment..
I am down about my weight going up and down now for 3 months...
I can't get out of the 170's into the 160's and stay there and its flipping driving me crazy...
I can't shake these "blues"...I have tears falling constantly...I don't want to go to work, I don't want to work on my house, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything...except lay in bed in sleep...
but I keep going. and I keep trying.
and that is really all I can do.

Sometimes....life sucks....and I failed...

I failed a portion of the assessment test...therefore even though my phone interview went great, and they were thrilled with my performance on the questionaire worksheet...I am no longer being considered for the position. and with tears streaming down my face and my heart in little pieces I told my hubby...and he was glad I failed.... UGH! I knew he didn't want me working there. I knew he didn't like the fact I would be working Saturdays which cut into family time...I knew all that...I didn't need to know anymore about his take on the job...what I did need was to be held, to be comforted, to be told I am not a failure because I failed the test... I have really been down in the dumps. This has really pushed me into a funk and I can't seem to shake out of it. Did I want this job more than I realized? Or has everything just kinda caught up to me and this was the final thing that pushed me into a dark place? I don't know but I am scared. I have never felt this way before. Alone. Defeated. Lonely. I have a husband who supports me (except for this last instance). I have 2 beautiful amazing girls that I love. I have lost a lot of weight and gained myself in its place. Why can't I shake this? Why am I struggling to smile, to laugh, to feel happy? Why are tears constantly running down my face? I haven't eaten for the last 2 days...been drinking protein shakes...a ton of water and some coffee....you'd think the scale would show that, but no of course not, it shows I have gained! UGH! So even when I am depressed and not eating, my scale has to be nasty to me too? How can I gain if I am not eating! Usually I can plaster a smile on my face and fake it till I get my happy back...but right now I don't have the energy to even fake it... I honestly don't know what to do. I really feel like a failure right now. I feel a heaviness bearing down on me. I just want to lay in bed in a dark room and be left alone. I don't feel like me anymore..

my first panic attack

Ok...so life has pretty much sucked for me alot lately. Those that follow my blog know that we came out of a very stressful situation in Colorado...stressful, judgmental and downright nasty. We packed up our lives, our hurts, our memories and ran....picked a state, a city and an area we know no one,, but we liked, and moved. The move has been good for us in some ways...but on a personal level for me it's been hard too. Good for us in that we have time together, we are not watched, we are not being judged, my girls can relax and be themselves. We can start over and be who we want to be. Bad in that its a huge cut in pay for my husband. Bad cuz I am still stuck at home with no contact with anyone. At least in colorado I got out and about because of the church and met people that way... So anyway...I had this assessment test Friday for the dream job..the one I shouldnt even really have a shot at..the one I can't believe I have made it this far in the process for...but after Friday's test...I am 99.9% believing I failed. It was by far the hardest test I have ever taken. It took me over an hour. and I probably cried 2 times taking it. I had told myself over and over for for a couple of weeks not to get my hopes up about the job, not to get excited....but I guess my heart didn't listen to my head because I walked out of the casino bawling my head off...filled with disappointment and negative talk. I somehow made the drive home and sat down to start work and could not stop thinking "you are stupid"..."you are a failure" "This was your shot to make decent $ to get financially stable for your family and you blew it". After about 15 min of beating myself up my heart started racing, blood was rushing to my head, I got super dizzy, I felt like I couldn't breathe...and it wouldn't stop, I thought I was having a heart attack, that I was going to die...and the more scared I got, the worse it got. I signed off from work, crawled to a couch and just layed there and forced myself to breath deep and after about 2 min all the symptoms stopped. I have researched it and talked to a few people and they said it was a panic attack. It was sooo scary.... I am trying to not worry about it, out of fear I will have another one of those attacks. It was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I really thought I was going to die. I am supposed to hear back about my test results early this week...but I know I failed the test. So I am back to square one...stuck at job at home that I hate...

Exciting news! and what is business casual?? help!

I heard back about the job at the Casino! I am scheduled to go in Friday morning for an assessment test. I asked what that was and the HR lady said I don't know, it's done through a third party vender so we don't see what it is. She said she will take my purse and my cell phone, put me in a room with a computer and I can't come out until I finish the test which usually takes around an hour...She said I think it tests your logic and critical thinking but I don't think there is any math (gosh I hope not because I suck at math!) She told me that is all I will be doing on Friday, but I should still dress business casual...so I have no idea what to wear...this will be the first time they will be actually seeing me, and I want to make a good impression...I want to look confident but also look like I can connect with VIP's from large companies as that will be part of my job. Any suggestions? On day 4 today of the pouch test and my hunger is in control and small portions are filling me up again! Woo Hoo!

Day 2 down, and 4 lbs down. My fingers and toes are crossed for an amazing potential job opportunity....and needing some advice...

Day 2 of the pouch test down...3 more to go. Today I get to eat soft protein... It feels great to be gaining control over my eating, and I am gaining my focus again. I am almost back down to my the weight my ticker says...and then it's downhill after that. I am determined to stay on track and reach my goal. I am trying to replace the negative self talk in my head with positive talk...we are so mean to ourselves, or at least I am, the things I think in my head about myself... On the job front...I have applied for the most amazing job, I KNOW I would love this job. It is a great fit for me and my personality and my strengths. I applied even though I have no experience but knowing if they gave me a shot, I could do it. I honestly didn't think I would hear back...but I did. Last week I had a phone interview, and at the end he said "you have a great personality that comes across over the phone, you have a great phone voice and an enthusiasm that is contagious"...and he put me thru to the next level in the process. He emailed me a long list of questions that I had to fill out. He said I passed that and I should be hearing back soon about setting up an assesment....but that was last Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet...UGH! I want to call, but he is the recruiter and in another state, it's been handed over to someone else, and I don't want to appear desperate or obnoxious...so I guess I wait? The job is an executive host/inside sales for a casino 10 min away from where we live. I would be contacting people all over the US who have been to the casino to build relationships with them and try to get them to come back to the casino...say they are big poker players and we have a poker tournament coming up...I call them to tell them about the tournament and convince them they need to attend...the job is 80% being on the phone and 20% meeting them when they come to further build that relationship....I am very customer service driven, and have worked on the phones for the past 10 years...so I got that part down...I have never really done "sales"....and I had never been to a casino until I went last Saturday to check out the casino...but I want this job...it's great pay, great benefits...and fits me....I really feel I would excel in this position...It sounds exciting, and it sure is not something I would have pictured myself doing before lapband. I would get to dress up and entertain clients?? OMG, I want this. But...I have to be honest and say my other half is not thrilled with idea...first of all the hours are 11-8pm...and I would probably have to work Saturdays...so that would only leave us with `1 day off a week together...but I think the big drawback for him is me being out in public entertaining..he is really struggling with my weight loss and the fact guys look at me now and I get hit on.... so...questions for you guys... do I just wait and see if I get called for this assesment? Or do I follow up again with the recruiter? and how are your other halfs dealing with your weight loss? How do I deal with the insecurities mine is having? Have a great day!

Day 1 of pouch test down....4 more days to go!

Yesterday I started the 5 day pouch test...to gain control of my appetite, to get my pouch back in order and to get my weight loss moving again. It was hard...I am not gonna lie... But I made it, and the scale responded nicely! So on to day 2 today. It feels great to be gaining control again, and to force my band back into shape! I don't want to be content with what I have lost...I want to keep pushing until I reach my goal. I don't want to be a quitter. I have come to far to quit now! I want that amazing feeling I know will come when I stand on the scale and look down and see the numbers I want to see..the numbers I long to see...the numbers I WILL see!

an amazing weekend and I wore a sundress!

It was sooo beautiful out Sunday, almost 80 degrees and sunny. So we took off on a drive and went to our first Indiana State Park since moving here in January. My family loves to camp, so we were on a mission to find a good camping spot for Memorial Day weekend....

I wore a sundress. and didn't feel disgusting in it. I have not worn a sundress since probably Jr High.

I am loving life right now, loving how I feel and look...and the fact I am getting close to goal...

Have a great week everyone! Here are some pics.

Gaining focus and control...day 1

As I posted last week, I am determined to gain control and get back on track and lose these last 15lbs or so that I want to lose. Today I am doing day 1 of the pouch test. My goal in doing the 5 day pouch test is to jumpstart my weight loss, gain control over my eating, to be mindful about what I am eating, to feel my pouch again and gain control over my band. I can do this. I will do this.

I can do this. I will do this. Watch me do this!

It's time to get serious. Time to get back to the basics. Time to get some focus. I am done playing games. I am done doing good during the week, and then blowing it every weekend. It's time to kick up that exercise and change it up to keep my body guessing. It's time to track every bite I put in my mouth, and think about what I am eating. It's time to get back to proteins. and good carbs. and quit eating junk. I am not content at this weight..but for some reason for a few months now I am living like I am? Why am I doing this? I want to reach my goal more than anything, but I have been living in lala land thinking well, one more week then I will get serious...or it's ok to take this break, or one bite wont' hurt. It stops NOW. It stops TODAY. I am sooo close to goal...I can do this. I will do this. Watch me do this. I am getting back on track this very minute! Back to tracking, back to eating my way, no more excuses. I want to reach my goal by summer...and I will.