Being back on track feels sooooo great

Back on track with eating this week, and it feels so great to be watching what I put in my mouth. I am already feeling better!
And I got up at 5am and did zumba...it's the first time I have worked out in like 3 months, and man did that feel great!
Already dropped 3 that I have gained...so I am moving on down!

Happy Thursday!

Peek a boo...I am back

Well, hello.

I have been gone a long time....months and months in fact. and I have been meaning to come back to blogging but never knew where to start...
but it's time.
A quick catch up.
As those who have followed me know, my hubby and I were in ministry and it went bad. We quit the church in January and just randomly moved to Indiana to get away, get out of ministry and focus on eachother. That went good..but it just didn't feel right.
So in August we moved back home...back to IL..where we lived before the journey of the last 4 years began. Back to family. Back to my job and being able to work inside the office instead of from home. and it feels GREAT!
My girls are happy to be back with both sides of the family. I am happy to be back at home with friends and working back in the office.
We bought a nice home.
Band wise...ugh. I relaxed when we moved. We lived with his parents for the first several months and that was hard. I couldn't cook for myself. I couldn't work out because they were always watching tv and there wasnt anywhere for me to work out. and I have gained some weight back. Not a ton. but it's not good. We moved into our new home 4 weeks ago...so this girl is getting myself back on track. I am eating right again. starting to workout again. and am more than ready to get this weight I have put on back off and then get my last 10lbs off to reach goal. I was soooo close..down to 168, I am around 180 right now...and had a complete meltdown last night when I got on the scale and saw the damage. but I am not going to go into a depression and just eat to numb it. Nope. Getting right back on track. Eating right. working out. It works. and I need to get back to taking care of me.
I just got a huge promotion at work. I am back with family. Out of ministry. Have a nice home. Things are finally going right...and I am just happy.
I want to catch up and see how everyone else is. I will get back to blogging and keeping accountable. I have missed everyone!

still plugging away

Our 17th wedding anniversary was Saturday..
I wanted to weigh 168...that was my goal...but instead here I sit at 171 still...
I did everything right...but the scale just didn't cooperate...
but I still had an amazing day. And still weigh less than I did when I got married :) And I know I will get over this stupid plateau that I have been on for awhile...I just really hope it happens soon.
Because I function better when I set goals...here are my new goals.
By June 15th I want to weigh 165. I have a business trip that week and will be returning to the office in IL that I used to work in...when I left that office 3 years ago I weighed around 270. They have not seen me since then. So that is my new short term goal...1 month to lose 6lbs.
My new long term goal...my goal weight...155...by Oct 1st.
Have a great day everyone!

Change the voices in my head..make them like me instead

I sometimes feel that my biggest enemy on my journey to a new me is myself.
The voices in my head.
Saying things like:

You will never reach this goal.
Once you lose all your weight you will just gain it all back.
You are close enough, just stop and enjoy yourself.
You are a failure.

I try to ignore these voices. I turn up the music. Or workout extra hard. But sometimes no matter what I do they just don't stop.

For the last 3 years we were in the spotlight being in ministry. And I was judged. For every word I said. For how I raised my girls. For how I dressed. For the people I talked to and the people I didnt' talk to. For what I was seen shopping for in walmart. Every move I made. Judged. Since we left ministry in January I have been to church 3 times. Thats it. You could say I am bitter. The bible says we are supposed to be known for our love...but instead what the church has shown the world is how well we judge others. And boy did I experience that in the last church we were in. And I feel like I failed. The reason I was being watched was because I got a tattoo. I made soup for some friends of ours from the church and *gasp* I used beer in the recipe.....which I guess makes me a huge sinner and my husband almost got fired over. It was beer cheese soup....umm, hello the alcohol cooks out?? Duh. But anyway, I am saying all this to say is I judge myself more now then I ever did. Because I feel like I failed. I wasn't a good pastors wife. I let the whole church down. I wasn't what they wanted. So on top of the voices judging me for my weight...I now have voices constantly telling me I am not good enough. That I am a failure. I should have pretended to be something I wasn't.

How do you start to like yourself? How do you silence the voices in your head? Thats what I need to start working on....

A great mothers day..and a few pictures

I had an amazing mothers day...

My hubby woke me up with some amazing coffee..

the girls came in with cards and gifts..

We got ready and they took me out to lunch...then on a drive to a state park about an hour away that was beautiful...we walked and fished and found some good camping spots for this summer...

then they took me to Santa Claus Indiana ( I am a Christmas FREAK!). It was an amazing place...all the stores were christmas themed...with christmas music playing...I spent over an hour in the main store that was all christmas decorations, it was beautiful! Then we went to Santa's candy castle...oh my gosh, it was just so neat! I now have a new dream...I want to move to Santa Claus Indiana and open up a Christmas Coffee shop! lol...I would LOVE to be able to do that! lol.

I hit 171 Saturday...my goal is 168 by my anniversary Saturday...not sure that I will reach that..but I am still trying, plugging away a pound at a time...

Have a great day everyone!

Perspective

My jeans I wore in November 2009.
and the jeans I wear today....

Mmmmm....

Here are some of my favorite things to eat...things that fit into my healthy eating plan but also just taste good..they make my tummy happy :)

Light and fit toasted coconut yogurt...oh my gosh is it good! I stir in some fiber one cereal for crunch and I have a breakfast that is low fat, crunchy, smooth and yummy! and it's filling!

I always keep ligh string cheese in my fridge, its the perfect snack as I buy the individually wrapped for portion control..I usually eat one right before I work out in the morning....yummy.

I have been making a salad for lunch everyday....spinach leaves, light bacon bits, mushrooms, onions, tomatoes, mozzerella cheese, sunflower seeds and light ranch dressing...it's the bomb!

When I am sluggish in the afternoon and craving sweets lately what I have been doing is having a cup of dark chocolate hot chocolate with a little bit of coconut creamer stirred in....mmmm, it tastes sooo good!

These are some of my favorite things to eat that keep me "on track".
How about you?

It's Friday!

Life has still been hard lately...but I am really trying hard to keep a smile on my face and carry on.

One thing working great is I am working the band..and the band is working. I am down 2lbs so far this week just from following the band rules. I am drinking the water, eating healthy protein first with fruits and veggies and very little carbs. And I am working out. So hopefully I can lose 5 more to hit 168 by my anniversary which is my mini goal I set.

Jobs...ugh. I am sending out a few resumes/applications a day...and just not hearing anything. It is soooo frustrating. And so many places have it set up now that you can't even call to follow up on a job...just to get an interview somewhere is hard right now...and I am good in interviews, but I can't wow them if I don't even get my foot in the door for an interview. It is soooo frustrating. But what I think I am going to do is stop looking for now for me..and start helping my hubby to look. He has a job, and he likes it...but it's not something he wants to do forever and the pay is horrible! So if we can get him plugged into a job he can make better $ and have a future at, then I can look after he is getting benefits and then I can afford to take a pay cut to find something else...so thats the plan. Now I just have to convince myself to like my job again. ugh. Which will be hard because I hate it!

My plan for this weekend: To stay focused and on track! I do NOT want to cheat 1x this weekend...

Happy Friday!

a picture is worth a thousand words

My husband can carry me now. This picture helps me to realize how much I have lost...and how much I have gained.

The fat attack

As stated in my last blog...I am starting my fat attack.
I am done playing games...I am done settling for what I have lost so far.
I am NOT going to accept myself at this weight.
I am kicking it up a notch to get the rest of my weight off.
I want to be driven like I was when I first got banded...and it starts today!
My plan for this week:
5 days this week I will work out for 60 min doing cardio.
Every day I will drink 100oz of water minimum.
I will eat high protein (healthy protein) with lots of fruits and veggies. and no bread, potatoes or rice or pasta.
My short term goal, 168 by May 14th my anniversary, which will put me at 110lbs lost.
My long term goal, 155 by July 4th.

Listen up fat....I have HAD it with you!

Ok Weight...pay attention.
I have worked soooo hard to lose you...and up until December 2010 you responded by going away...but since Dec you are sticking around and I HAVE HAD IT!
I have been bouncing between 169.5 and 175 since the end of December and it stops TODAY!
I am done playing these games with you...I don't like you and I want you gone. You hear me?
I am NOT content to remain at this weight....and I will fight, kick, scream, shove, hit and punch until I am at my goal weight...
I am making a short term goal. My wedding anniversary is May 14th. I want to weigh in at 168 by then.
I will drink 100oz of water a day.
I will work out 45 min or more 5 days a week.
No more BLT's (bites, licks and tastes) because those add up.
I will eat high protein/low carb...no sweets or processed foods.
No more excuses. No more "free weekends".
I have NOT come this far to give up now.
I can do this. I WILL do this.
Who is with me?????

Feeling better after a great weekend

I had a great weekend... I got some quality time in with my hubby...which always helps me and my perspective. When we are together all weekend...my blues go away. I am always the happiest when we are together. He makes me laugh..he makes me look at things from different angles and it all makes sense... We got some great quality time in this weekend...and also some great quality time with our girls. We got our living room painted and the colors look amazing...we painted our ceiling Almond Cream, one wall Breakfast Blend which is the color of milk chocolate..and the other three walls Midnight Dream...which is a dark deep blue..and the room looks totally different and looks amazing! I will post some pictures soon. So...during some of this quality time we made some plans for me..plans to help me get some hope for my job perspective....nothing I can share quite yet..but things could hopefully be changing soon for me for the better....My fingers and toes are crossed about this possibility... I am going to have a better week this week! I am going to try my hardest! Time to shake these blues, be thankful for the blessings I have and time to quit the negative self talk! Lets all have a great Monday!

I am fighting to hold on

I can keep doing this...
One step at a time...
Dry those tears and put a smile on your face...
Fake it till it's real...

These are the sayings running thru my head 24/7...

I am down on myself because I failed the assessment..
I am down about my weight going up and down now for 3 months...
I can't get out of the 170's into the 160's and stay there and its flipping driving me crazy...
I can't shake these "blues"...I have tears falling constantly...I don't want to go to work, I don't want to work on my house, I don't want to go anywhere or do anything...except lay in bed in sleep...
but I keep going. and I keep trying.
and that is really all I can do.

Sometimes....life sucks....and I failed...

I failed a portion of the assessment test...therefore even though my phone interview went great, and they were thrilled with my performance on the questionaire worksheet...I am no longer being considered for the position. and with tears streaming down my face and my heart in little pieces I told my hubby...and he was glad I failed.... UGH! I knew he didn't want me working there. I knew he didn't like the fact I would be working Saturdays which cut into family time...I knew all that...I didn't need to know anymore about his take on the job...what I did need was to be held, to be comforted, to be told I am not a failure because I failed the test... I have really been down in the dumps. This has really pushed me into a funk and I can't seem to shake out of it. Did I want this job more than I realized? Or has everything just kinda caught up to me and this was the final thing that pushed me into a dark place? I don't know but I am scared. I have never felt this way before. Alone. Defeated. Lonely. I have a husband who supports me (except for this last instance). I have 2 beautiful amazing girls that I love. I have lost a lot of weight and gained myself in its place. Why can't I shake this? Why am I struggling to smile, to laugh, to feel happy? Why are tears constantly running down my face? I haven't eaten for the last 2 days...been drinking protein shakes...a ton of water and some coffee....you'd think the scale would show that, but no of course not, it shows I have gained! UGH! So even when I am depressed and not eating, my scale has to be nasty to me too? How can I gain if I am not eating! Usually I can plaster a smile on my face and fake it till I get my happy back...but right now I don't have the energy to even fake it... I honestly don't know what to do. I really feel like a failure right now. I feel a heaviness bearing down on me. I just want to lay in bed in a dark room and be left alone. I don't feel like me anymore..

my first panic attack

Ok...so life has pretty much sucked for me alot lately. Those that follow my blog know that we came out of a very stressful situation in Colorado...stressful, judgmental and downright nasty. We packed up our lives, our hurts, our memories and ran....picked a state, a city and an area we know no one,, but we liked, and moved. The move has been good for us in some ways...but on a personal level for me it's been hard too. Good for us in that we have time together, we are not watched, we are not being judged, my girls can relax and be themselves. We can start over and be who we want to be. Bad in that its a huge cut in pay for my husband. Bad cuz I am still stuck at home with no contact with anyone. At least in colorado I got out and about because of the church and met people that way... So anyway...I had this assessment test Friday for the dream job..the one I shouldnt even really have a shot at..the one I can't believe I have made it this far in the process for...but after Friday's test...I am 99.9% believing I failed. It was by far the hardest test I have ever taken. It took me over an hour. and I probably cried 2 times taking it. I had told myself over and over for for a couple of weeks not to get my hopes up about the job, not to get excited....but I guess my heart didn't listen to my head because I walked out of the casino bawling my head off...filled with disappointment and negative talk. I somehow made the drive home and sat down to start work and could not stop thinking "you are stupid"..."you are a failure" "This was your shot to make decent $ to get financially stable for your family and you blew it". After about 15 min of beating myself up my heart started racing, blood was rushing to my head, I got super dizzy, I felt like I couldn't breathe...and it wouldn't stop, I thought I was having a heart attack, that I was going to die...and the more scared I got, the worse it got. I signed off from work, crawled to a couch and just layed there and forced myself to breath deep and after about 2 min all the symptoms stopped. I have researched it and talked to a few people and they said it was a panic attack. It was sooo scary.... I am trying to not worry about it, out of fear I will have another one of those attacks. It was the most scared I have ever been in my life. I really thought I was going to die. I am supposed to hear back about my test results early this week...but I know I failed the test. So I am back to square one...stuck at job at home that I hate...

Exciting news! and what is business casual?? help!

I heard back about the job at the Casino! I am scheduled to go in Friday morning for an assessment test. I asked what that was and the HR lady said I don't know, it's done through a third party vender so we don't see what it is. She said she will take my purse and my cell phone, put me in a room with a computer and I can't come out until I finish the test which usually takes around an hour...She said I think it tests your logic and critical thinking but I don't think there is any math (gosh I hope not because I suck at math!) She told me that is all I will be doing on Friday, but I should still dress business casual...so I have no idea what to wear...this will be the first time they will be actually seeing me, and I want to make a good impression...I want to look confident but also look like I can connect with VIP's from large companies as that will be part of my job. Any suggestions? On day 4 today of the pouch test and my hunger is in control and small portions are filling me up again! Woo Hoo!

Day 2 down, and 4 lbs down. My fingers and toes are crossed for an amazing potential job opportunity....and needing some advice...

Day 2 of the pouch test down...3 more to go. Today I get to eat soft protein... It feels great to be gaining control over my eating, and I am gaining my focus again. I am almost back down to my the weight my ticker says...and then it's downhill after that. I am determined to stay on track and reach my goal. I am trying to replace the negative self talk in my head with positive talk...we are so mean to ourselves, or at least I am, the things I think in my head about myself... On the job front...I have applied for the most amazing job, I KNOW I would love this job. It is a great fit for me and my personality and my strengths. I applied even though I have no experience but knowing if they gave me a shot, I could do it. I honestly didn't think I would hear back...but I did. Last week I had a phone interview, and at the end he said "you have a great personality that comes across over the phone, you have a great phone voice and an enthusiasm that is contagious"...and he put me thru to the next level in the process. He emailed me a long list of questions that I had to fill out. He said I passed that and I should be hearing back soon about setting up an assesment....but that was last Thursday, and I haven't heard anything yet...UGH! I want to call, but he is the recruiter and in another state, it's been handed over to someone else, and I don't want to appear desperate or obnoxious...so I guess I wait? The job is an executive host/inside sales for a casino 10 min away from where we live. I would be contacting people all over the US who have been to the casino to build relationships with them and try to get them to come back to the casino...say they are big poker players and we have a poker tournament coming up...I call them to tell them about the tournament and convince them they need to attend...the job is 80% being on the phone and 20% meeting them when they come to further build that relationship....I am very customer service driven, and have worked on the phones for the past 10 years...so I got that part down...I have never really done "sales"....and I had never been to a casino until I went last Saturday to check out the casino...but I want this job...it's great pay, great benefits...and fits me....I really feel I would excel in this position...It sounds exciting, and it sure is not something I would have pictured myself doing before lapband. I would get to dress up and entertain clients?? OMG, I want this. But...I have to be honest and say my other half is not thrilled with idea...first of all the hours are 11-8pm...and I would probably have to work Saturdays...so that would only leave us with `1 day off a week together...but I think the big drawback for him is me being out in public entertaining..he is really struggling with my weight loss and the fact guys look at me now and I get hit on.... so...questions for you guys... do I just wait and see if I get called for this assesment? Or do I follow up again with the recruiter? and how are your other halfs dealing with your weight loss? How do I deal with the insecurities mine is having? Have a great day!

Day 1 of pouch test down....4 more days to go!

Yesterday I started the 5 day pouch test...to gain control of my appetite, to get my pouch back in order and to get my weight loss moving again. It was hard...I am not gonna lie... But I made it, and the scale responded nicely! So on to day 2 today. It feels great to be gaining control again, and to force my band back into shape! I don't want to be content with what I have lost...I want to keep pushing until I reach my goal. I don't want to be a quitter. I have come to far to quit now! I want that amazing feeling I know will come when I stand on the scale and look down and see the numbers I want to see..the numbers I long to see...the numbers I WILL see!

an amazing weekend and I wore a sundress!

It was sooo beautiful out Sunday, almost 80 degrees and sunny. So we took off on a drive and went to our first Indiana State Park since moving here in January. My family loves to camp, so we were on a mission to find a good camping spot for Memorial Day weekend....

I wore a sundress. and didn't feel disgusting in it. I have not worn a sundress since probably Jr High.

I am loving life right now, loving how I feel and look...and the fact I am getting close to goal...

Have a great week everyone! Here are some pics.

Gaining focus and control...day 1

As I posted last week, I am determined to gain control and get back on track and lose these last 15lbs or so that I want to lose. Today I am doing day 1 of the pouch test. My goal in doing the 5 day pouch test is to jumpstart my weight loss, gain control over my eating, to be mindful about what I am eating, to feel my pouch again and gain control over my band. I can do this. I will do this.

I can do this. I will do this. Watch me do this!

It's time to get serious. Time to get back to the basics. Time to get some focus. I am done playing games. I am done doing good during the week, and then blowing it every weekend. It's time to kick up that exercise and change it up to keep my body guessing. It's time to track every bite I put in my mouth, and think about what I am eating. It's time to get back to proteins. and good carbs. and quit eating junk. I am not content at this weight..but for some reason for a few months now I am living like I am? Why am I doing this? I want to reach my goal more than anything, but I have been living in lala land thinking well, one more week then I will get serious...or it's ok to take this break, or one bite wont' hurt. It stops NOW. It stops TODAY. I am sooo close to goal...I can do this. I will do this. Watch me do this. I am getting back on track this very minute! Back to tracking, back to eating my way, no more excuses. I want to reach my goal by summer...and I will.

2 mile run

Last night when I got off work at 8pm I was grumpy. stressed. and had a million thoughts running thru my head...so I announced to my family I was going to go for a run.
I changed. I hopped in our car and drove around till I had a 2 mile route mapped out around our house. Came home, stretched and off I went. and it felt great! Great to be outside. Great to clear my head. Great to feel my body working like that. and Great because I could do it without stopping and did it at a steady pace. Not bad for someone who couldn't hardly go up a flight of stairs not so long ago.

I am stressed and grumpy alot lately. I used to like my job. Back when we lived in IL and I worked in the office. My job because of the great job I did allowed me to keep it when I followed my husband to Minnesota so he could pursue full time ministry. So I started working from home 3 years ago and was so thankful to my company for allowing me to do that. It allowed us to pursue his dream...and keep income coming in and my health insurance benefits. I have worked from home now in Minnesota, then Colorado and now in Indiana. In Minnesota and Colorado I had to keep this job...we lived in very small communities with no real job opportunities for me. and I HATE working from home. Hate hate hate it. I am a people person...and miss people bad. In minnesota and Colorado though I got out of the house to the church alot and was around people. Now that we live here though and my hubby has a normal job..we are not getting out around people. We don't know anyone yet. AND my company required me starting in Jan to change my hours to cover later hours..since I have the "benefit" of working from home, it was decided that I would be the one to make the hour change. I have to work 11 to 8 now. So...I am so much more miserable than I was before. I HATE working till 8 pm. It's getting really nice out here and my whole family is home and I am down in my office working. UGH! So, I updated my resume..and started sending it out....and jobs I am qualified for in this area pay less then I am making now. And with my hubby taking such a big pay cut we can't afford me to make less. I am stuck. stressed. feeling hopeless. and I HATE feeling powerless.

Boy...I needed to dump. Thanks for listening..

Here is what the camera sees

and someday I hope I see this reflection in the mirror....I still see the Susie weighing in at 250+

FRUSTRATED! My Scale is a PAIN in my Caboose!

I am sooooo sick of struggling with the same few pounds...
My scale has been bouncing between 169 to 173 for 2 months now and it's flipping DRIVING ME CRAZY!
I can't seem to break out of the 170's and get firmly into the 160's and quite frankly I am starting to get pissed. And thats a strong word for me! ha!
I have been working out like crazy and I can tell in my clothes a huge difference but the fricken scale is being a stubborn pain in my caboose!
So...here is my plan.
*I am back to journaling every single bite, lick and taste that finds its way in my mouth.
* I am back to being accountable on my blog and quit avoiding it cuz I have messed up, or don't feel like I have anything to share
* I will quit being satisfied with what I have lost and become HUNGRY to get the rest off like I was in the beginning.
* I will no longer look at weekends like it's free for all time and allow myself to cheat! (that is my problem I think)
* No more special coffee at night (coffee with sugar and baileys irish cream! fattening!)

I am getting back to the basics! I will NOT give up! I CAN DO THIS!
I want to be goal weight (155) by July 4th!

Here is a quick update on me...and life...and my band...
I have GOT to get back to blogging and being accountable..I don't know whats been wrong with me lately...

Life:
* Living in Indiana and being out of ministry is the best decision we have ever made. Yes, we are broke because he had to take a low paying job because the economy is so bad and he is not working in his "profession"...but we are Happy! Happy to be normal. Happy not to be watched. Happy to not be judged. Happy to have our weekends together as a family and not be working all weekend long.
* We have been busy painting and fixing up our little house we bought...and I love being a homeowner again. There is just something about working on your house and dreaming about fixing it up and knowing you can do whatever you want (provided you have the $ lol)...I am enjoying my little fixer upper

Me:
* I am struggling to see my true reflection in the mirror. I don't always see the truth. It sometimes takes peoples comments or me seeing a picture of myself for me to realize I have changed.
* Losing this weight has seemed to make me somewhat different. and while I know some of the changes are good (more self confident, speaking up for myself)...some are kind of scary...but I am working on coming to terms with all of it...
* One thing to is how I am treated now is so different...people open doors for me, the attention from men is something I am not used to....it feels good at times..and other times it really makes me mad that people discriminate against fat people...and I didn't even realize it till I lost weight how much different I have been treated for so long...

Band:
* I am up 2lbs from my all time low of 169...but it's coming off, just much slower since I am lifting weights. But I love the definition I am getting and how my body is changing. I am not losing weight like I was...but the inches are coming off.
* I haven't had a fill since we moved in December. But I don't need one. My eating is for the most part under control....I can feel myself getting full and being satisfied with small amounts of food. I am just learning to be disciplined and stop when I feel full. Since I have moved away from my Dr I will no longer be able to get free fills..so I want this fill to last me my last weight to lose hopefully.

I am off to read a whole bunch of blogs and catch up on the rest of you! I have missed everyone and am ready to get back on here every day. together we can do this!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Oatmeal, Biggest Loser Bob, strength training and the stupid scale!

It's Friday...and for that I am thankful...

I have discovered how good real oatmeal is...I always used to just make the instant, but I won't be grabbing that kind anymore...I have been making 1 serving of the real stuff, with a little brown sugar and some raisins..it keeps me full, it's healthy, and its keeping me regular :)

Bob Harper..from Biggest Loser..I used to dream of going on that show and I always wanted him as my trainer. I thought he seemed a little easier than Jillian, and alot nicer. But that was till I bought his new workout series called Inner Method. OH MY GOSH! These DVD's kick my butt! I bought the cardio one which is 65 minutes of nonstop movement with weights..and the strength training one which is an hour of torture with weights. These are both really great workouts that literally leave you standing in a puddle of sweat barely able to move. I have spent the last year really concentrating on cardio to lose weight. And while I still have more weight to lose I really wanted to start building muscle and getting definition....and I know strength training is the answer....but I hate that EVERY time I start lifting weights..the scale doesn't budge..or it sometimes goes up! UGH! and that is whats happening this week..I am eating great, working out hard and the scale is not budging! My husband sounds like a broken record...thats what you want to happen because that means your are building muscle and muscle burns fat. I know that in my head...but when I step on my scale my heart hurts cuz I want to see the scale go DOWN! Why oh why are we sooo worried about the number on a scale? People who see us don't see how much we weigh, they see how we look. I know this. But I just can't get it beat into my head. I want that scale to show my goal weight. Sooooo bad.

But...I am going to try to ignore my scale. Keep doing these videos. Keep eating right. and See what happens after a few weeks of this. I just know I got to do something to tighten this flappy skin up. And I want to have definition in my arms and legs. And I know the more muscle you have the more fat you burn..and who doesn't want to burn fat?? I am going to try this..and I will keep you posted.

Have a great FRIDAY everyone!

A great weekend! and size 10 jeans!

I had an amazing weekend! Saturday we went and checked out the Y here in our new city and it is really nice! Has everything we want in a gym plus fun pools with water slides and stuff for our kids. Great classes, including zumba. So I think we are going to get a family membership...and it comes with 4 sessions with a personal trainer and I am sooo excited for that. Then we went to Kohls and they were having big sales. So I got this new skirt and shirt that I am wearing in these pics. Plus a couple other shirts,...and just for fun tried on a size pair 10 skinny jeans...and they fit! I was sooo excited.

Band wise everything is working great. I am back to losing and getting full on small meals and just to make sure I realized it was there my band nudged me yesterday just a bit when I was eating too fast...it actually felt great to feel it working, ha! I am back to working out and planning my meals and getting my 100 oz water plus in every day. Ready to kick some fat in the butt!

Happy Valentines Day everyone!

I said I wouldn't change when I lost weight...but...

I have.

I don't think it's bad though.

I am standing up for myself more.
I am dressing in clothes I like, and fit me well, versus what will hide me.
I am thinking long term...like I don't like my job, so I am actually checking into going back to school for something I always wanted to do, something in the medical field.
The weight loss is helping me become who I have always wanted to be...
but it's also causing some problems....which I won't go into now...but I am really doing alot of thinking...and evaluating some things....
hmmm....kinda scary.

On the band front...I am back on track and it feels great. I did 3 days of protein shakes and all protein to get back in control of my eating and my band..and it worked. I am determined again and ready to get this last bit of weight off.

2011....I am ready!

This picture was taken yesterday. I look at it and can't believe it's me. I see my collar bones. And I look normal. This is not the reflection I see in the mirror most of the time. I wonder if I ever will.
Like I said in my post last week, I took about a month off from working out and eating my best while we moved. I am now getting back on track. I went out and bought 3 new workout DVD's, made sure my pantry was filled with all my healthy staples and it is on. My lowest right before we moved was 169..which is 109 lbs down. I am up a few from that but its going back down. It seems to me going from the 170's to 160's and staying in the 160's has been the hardest plateau for me. UGH! It's sooo frustrating. The day I hit 165 I will be sooo happy because I will firmly be in the 160's. Right now my goal weight is 155...I will re-evaluate once I am there to see what I think and how I feel...I may want to go down to 150...
I am also really struggling now with how I look undressed. I really hate that part. I am feeling confident in how I look dressed...and I wear things to help accomplish that, like push up bras..and tummy tucker things....but ugh..naked...gross. I started looking at websites with pictures of plastic surgery before and afters...I know I want that...but it's sooo expensive...
Well...anyway...I am now ready to get this last 15lbs off! I can do this!

Hello..I am back...

Well hello..

I am back..

I have been gone entirely too long...and I am sorry about that. Things have been crazy! so let me catch you up..

We moved from Colorado! That is the best news ever! My hubby quit the job at the church..we picked a place to move and here we are. We are living in a suburb of Louisville KY. We bought a house and made the move. And couldn't be happier. As you know things at the church were super unhealthy...so many things happened and it was affecting my hubby health wise, he was having panic attacks and bleeding ulcers. It was affecting our kids and our family so we quit! For the sake of our sanity, our health and our marriage. People wonder why churches get bad names...well I can see why after being in a church like that for 2 years.

Ok, now band wise. Things are ok. I miss my Dr already. He gave me a big fill and wished me luck before my move. I was at 169 when we moved. Between fast food meals while we got settled and got our kitchen unpacked, and not working out for a few weeks I have gone up a few lbs, 6 actually...but I am back in control now and the scale is moving back down. It was fun to eat like a semi normal person for a few weeks..but I really missed working out and my healthy food. And I really hated the scale staying the same and hated even more when it started to climb up. But like I said, I am getting back in control now. My kitchen is unpacked, healthy groceries are bought and back to working out I go.

This move is good for so many reasons. The big one being away from the unhealthy situation at the church. But being out of ministry is allowing us to feel normal again. When I get off work now, I don't have to worry about what I need to do at the church..I can just spend time with my family, my kids and my husband. We can go out and not worry about being seen doing something someone thinks is "wrong". I am not being watched, judged or critisized. and boy does it feel great!

I am a little worried about getting my last 10-15 lbs off. I can't afford to get a fill now that I have moved away from my Dr, and there my fills were free. But...then again, I should be able to do this on my own. I want it bad enough. I want to get down to 155 by summer...so here I go!

Now I am off to catch up on reading about everyone else! I have missed everyone!